Strange online connection - what to do?

Hello,

I have always used the written word to process my thoughts and feelings. Back when the internet became a thing I started blogging. A couple of years later, I was in a pretty precarious place mentally and had a chaotic and messy kind of interlude with some guy I had a crush on. I let him overhear me say that I was active on a specific blogging site online, and soon after that, I picked up a follower on my blog. The thing was that this person didn't seem to want to engage with me in the real world, and later left the town we lived in.

The blogging continued for quite several years. It helped me to grow out of some pretty toxic mental health behaviours. I then moved to the city and after a little while in a more healthy social environment felt that this 'follower' was a toxic kind of connection. I became increasingly frustrated that I could not engage with them emotionally, and it felt like I was throwing my heart into the abyss. I was finally able to cut them off. I continued blogging occasionally, but I was no longer aware of their attention.

Last year they came back again, and I was so excited for the attention. I felt 'seen' like someone cared about my world and the attention was intoxicating. We had some fun, and this was complicated with another crush I had on someone else. It has been about six months since they came back, and I have expressed some dissatisfaction with continuing this connection online for more years. Then they started hitting on a post I had written about a particular annual event over the long weekend, and I think they want me to come to their town and attend the event.

The problem is that I feel like if they don't value me enough to pick up the phone or send me a message, then why should I make the trip (it is hundreds of km away)? I am keen to bring the connection to some kind of head, but to be honest, even though I think I am talking to a particular person, I have no idea who this person is. And my spidey sense gets activated sometimes.

I feel like they have been very kind to me online these past six months, supporting me when I am upset or feel down, and so attentive. But I am not sure if I should make the trip to the event, or if I should even continue talking to them online.

I have read several books about these types of relationships that are by their very nature 'unavailable' and 'virtual', and it seems that they can be quite toxic, but I am not just not sure how to proceed at this point.

The connection gives me big positive feelings and it makes me so happy a lot of the time. Admittedly, I am addicted to the notifications that let me know they have visited my pages. I know it sounds pathetic, but I think in this new world of social media etc I don't think I am the only one who has succumbed to an addiction to notifications.

The reader is across all my blogs (I write on numerous different topics) and it is hard to imagine that I should stop blogging completely just to be rid of them (I enjoy it immensely), but they definitely 'press my buttons' and I am not sure it is good for me.

Do you have any ideas or thoughts about how I could manage this?

Thank you!

🙂