Spirling down a dark hole

Let's see if I can get this to make sense..

My mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer very recently (for the second time) my mum is my best friend, she is everything to my girls and I, and is the mum to my husband that he never really had.

So granted I took this news extremely hard to say the least.

Now a little background on my husband is that he has bipolar and can be emotionally unavailable sometimes expecially when he feels helpless, he will shut down completely.

I felt so alone, he ignored me and left me to cry and breakdown on my own, when I needed him the most!

I reached breaking point and lashed out at him which I am not proud of.

The next day he reached out to a long time female friend (platonic)

And not only told her about our fight but also shared my mums devastating news!

He then lied to me 3 times and swore he never told her! It eventually came out that he did and he was very remorseful and told me he didn't want to tell me because he knew it would hurt me and that the second he told her he had instant regret and changed the subject with her.

Im now left with my head so screwed up I don't no which way is up or down, this man has been my rock and my person who I tell everything to for the past 13 years, he has completely blindsided me and my mental health has taken an enormous nose dive!

He has broken my trust big time and I just can't seem to let it go, I have turned into a person I don't recognise, im on edge all the time, I near vomit when he picks his phone up, when he is at work im constantly anxious about Wether he is talking to her and what secrets about our life he is telling her.

If he doesn't answer me I will call him over and over and over again like a psycho!

Im literally vomiting because of all these feelings and hurt.

Iv never been this jealous/insecure/anxious/needy person before and I don't no how to let it go..

He has apologised profusely!

It's stupid but I feel emotionally cheated on, and that's the part I'm finding so hard to let go.

Im having very stupid thoughts, I have my beautiful girls to think about though..

Im just lost and not sure how to fix myself....

I love this man with everything I am.. 😥