StanDSenior Contributor
Warning : Sexual Abuse Discussion
*please do not read if you feel vulnerable or feel like this subject is too much for u rn. Each of us perfect wherever we are in our recovery.
hello All,
This is deeply personal post for me. I wanted to share because I believe there are many other survivors, who may feel supported by me expressing, & survivors who may be further in their journey of recovery than me, & can offer support to me.
I titled it, as, a discussion, because, to me - it is most important to feel like it is ok to have a space where talking, expression, is safe, normal, accepted.
My story, or timeline, for me, happened like this.
*Majority of my life, complete denial
* Accepting, that yes, moments of sexual abuse definately occurred, - tho, it was in the past. I had no interest in "watching the movie' as I expressed to previous psychologist
* Now - I am aware. Yes, it did happen. It continued to happen as part of my storyline, because, the decisions I was making were from a place of, inability to accept.
Today, I am having 'dark thoughts '. Memories. How it impacted my decisions.
I feel sad. I feel like it's ok to be sad. I was used. Abused. Unseen. Un-human.
Unseen. I think that is how I continue to see myself. It is difficult to describe.
Yes. There is still a disconnect, a disassociation. As though, that happened to another, not me.
Sexuality with trust, love, kindness - or a fling, if that is your thing - is the most beautiful blessing. I feel silly writing, tho, it is a religious experience! Spiritual. The highest connectedness, to life, the universe. Maybe this, connectedness is not exclusive to actual physical act of sex. I am trying to express the profound beauty.
Not dirty. Not rude. Not shameful. Not ugly or embarrassing.
It annoys me, that our culture, tv, advertising..... Everything! Has manipulated our views of sexuality, to be giggled at, or their are 'guidlines' Sorry, it is Extremely difficult to express what I'm saying.
Sexual Abuse, changed me. It made me feel wrong. I believed others could take away from me. Therefore I felt like I was in bondage with devil, in sense.
A person took away the part of me that was private, sacred, unknown to me. I believed, if they had that power over me, I was nothing. I felt the deepest sense of humiliation. It was a secret. I didn't know if they knew how humiliated I was. I thought, "I am frightened" -
It is so difficult to explain - the power that a perpetrator has over their victim.
If I left - I would have to accept the horror of the fact, that I had been raped. It was, still is - too much for my psyche.
If I stayed, I could 'sweep it under the rug'.
If this is what life was - what was the point in trying to leave anyway?
Sexual Abuse, is a particular form of abuse. It has layers that entangle, confuse, imprison the victim. I was, still am, a prison to myself.
It is difficult issue to discuss. It difficult issue to listen to.
I think this might be part of problem.
Our society, all around the world, finds it very difficult to talk openly.
I think, victims, are 'undertreated'. It appears to be taboo to discuss a sexual assault, with people, other than with a counsellor, or professional. Outside of this, it is still 'kept secret '
Guilt. Shame.
"I have a story that is bad.
I have a story that is too sad, too damaging, to share with general public.
General public are not capable, intelligent, responsible, mature enough to discuss over Christmas or at get together, BBQ. These topics, are reserved to specialised team."
The people who work in this area, truly are inspiring, beautiful. I feel in awe.
Stigma.
I think it is more than that.
I'm not sure if I'm alone in my thinking - tho it appears like victims & survivors of sexual abuse, torture, violence - we are in a specialised category.
(Kind of 'the too hard basket' - that might only be my perception)
It's like, we are deemed, unable to recover, in a way. That the psyche & other professionals work on the basis, that all we are capable of is building strength upon trauma filled experiences. That we can be strong again. We can become - survivors.
Rape is literally the essence of the soul stolen.
And from that, (what has been taken) - professionals, guide us to building a new version of ourselves.
Scars that never go away.
'The Scarred'
And this is my life, I have to accept, going forward.
I am part, of "that group'
The 'Me Too' movement never sat quite right with me. Although, it was healing.
I also recall watching the Bill Cosby & Michael Jackson documentaries.
To listen to other survivors. It is, very healing for me. I am not alone. People I admire. It happened to them too. Celebrities, powerful, .... Heartbreakingly vulnerable. Taken advantage of in the cruelest way.
When, 'me Too' happened. I felt like it had an undertone of 'special group'. This could all be my confused thinking.
I think I prefer the term 'lived experience.'
I am a victim. I am a survivor.
I have lived experience of generational & life long trauma.
I am damaged. I am broken.
The me that was always there.
IMPOSSIBLE to be taken away.
That is mine. No one can take it.
I can be tricked, manipulated, hurt, heart broken in a million pieces, soul taken away.
Idk, maybe the soul is regenerative?
