Dark Night of the Soul

Hey there, not sure about this but here we go.

Not sure if anyone else can relate but I 'had' been living unconsciously my whole life, numbing from pain and suppressing emotions whenever they occurred. I was unable to process emotions when I was young, living in an, at times violent household and remember things a toddler shouldn't see.

I would act out at school, and always had a chip on my shoulder. Hatred, resentment and volatility were always nearby. I was not a violent person myself but had a temper when triggered. I would find solace in coping mechanisms that were not healthy by any means, but would in my unconscious mind, get me through in times of stress. I had created a persona or ego as 'the funny guy', usually alcohol fuelled to feel accepted. A mask that I wore every day without knowing. My destructive habits on top of terrible core beliefs such as, Not worthy of love, Deserve to suffer, and Fail at everything you try, had eventually led my to complete self destruction.

I lost my marriage, my home, my family and my dogs, although I had been working at it a while. Now left with nothing but guilt, shame, remorse, pain and suffering.

I felt I had no choice but to completely remove myself from society, I confided in my best friend, who walked away from me. I am exiled in my own purgatory. Its like stone by stone I have built my own prison cell, and slammed the door. I have managed to fulfil my limiting beliefs that have haunted me my whole life.

Until about 3 months ago, I did not know what Borderline Personality Disorder was, but pretty sure that I tick a few boxes. I accept complete responsibility for where I find myself, and struggle with it every day. I am experiencing what is referred to as a Dark Night of the Soul. Its basically like what you think you are as a human being is dissolved. My Ego or personality died, my Soul separated, leaving me with nothing but the shadow that it cast. Every bad character trait, every failure, every poor decision, every hurtful action is now in clear view as I see it without being the person I thought I was, but now Awakened. And I have to tell you its a really dark place to exist. Guilt Insomnia is not fun at all as only managing 4 - 5 hours of broken sleep takes its toll.

I am working extremely hard on rectifying my poor character traits, trying to live a life in line of Virtue and not Vice. My psychologist is helping me to make sense, but self compassion, self care, mindfulness and gratitude all seem so hard until I can heal my heart from the pain I have caused.

I am trying to find some kind of spiritual help, but all I feel is pain, suffering, guilt, shame and remorse.

I feel broken, lost, helpless, hopeless and alone. My kids still love me, but I still can't reconcile the pain I've caused and forgive myself to move on from regret. I know the past can't be changed but I cannot find any joy or peace. I pray that one day I can find peace and growth.