Inner turmoil.

It's been a challenging journey for me, especially with the exposure therapy I've been undergoing. I keep pushing myself into situations that trigger extreme anxiety and panic attacks, which end up setting me back instead of making things better. People say it's supposed to improve over time, but for me, it's been quite the opposite. Frankly, hearing that it's a choice feels like an absurd thing to say to someone like me who has been dealing with these challenges for well over a decade.

Living with schizoaffective disorder amplifies my intrusive thoughts, especially during those intense panic episodes. It's incredibly frustrating because sometimes I feel an outburst building up, and I have to remove myself from the situation before I potentially say something harmful. I vividly remember the last time, when distressing thoughts flooded my mind, and I had to leave the cinema before those words escaped my lips.

What makes it tougher is how my intrusive thoughts heighten when I sense people looking at me. It's grim and overwhelming. I'm aware that some people with my condition might not have the same level of self-control and might speak their thoughts aloud without a filter. I'm fortunate to have a level of control, but afterwards, I obsess over these thoughts, causing inner turmoil. I try my best to put on a facade that everything is okay, but inside, it's a constant struggle.

When I was younger, I found solace in violent music and horror movies as a way to release pent-up emotions. Unfortunately, those things now trigger me, so I've shifted to listening to relaxing music and practising mindfulness meditation. It's not that I have any intention of hurting anyone – it's more about the torment these thoughts cause me.

I hold a belief in demons or jinn that seem to torment me, adding another layer to this already challenging situation.