Rights vs. Obligations

@chibam You say these people are abusive, and will probably mistreat you like before, if you do the obligation.

I don't think we have to submit to anything that is abusive.

For instance, I suffered 47 family Christmases that were toxic and abusive. Then about 5 years ago I said "enough". I no longer celebrate Christmas or go to the family Christmases. You'd think I'd have murdered someone, the way they reacted. They said things like "it's a time to see family, you have to be with loved ones" - well, no I don't, not if I'm treated that way.

It was actually so freeing, and now I volunteer at Christmas instead. Without all that stress, dread and abuse.

Good luck deciding about your obligation, @chibam ...

@chibam

It sounds to me like an opportunity to treat yourself better. Do what you want, sometimes looking at our values helps us clarify what is best for us.

what if you got a coin, tossed it and made the decision to do it, now, how do you feel? Now try the decision the other way, how does that feel?

Thanks, @NatureLover , @Flotsam 🙂

@NatureLover Your story about the Xmases particularly resonated with me, even though this obligation of mine isn't an Xmas ordeal. But it's more or less the same dillemma.

It feels like I've been dealt an unwinnable hand, but everybody else keeps acting like I haven't been dealt an unwinnable hand, and the fact that I have nothing good is all my own fault somehow; and I can't tell whether that's just gaslighting, or if there's any truth to it.

I want to get out of this miserable life of mine so, so badly. And if I still believed that things like this obligation were a route out of it, I would gladly dive in to it. But I've been cheated so many times before, trying to appease people. And each time, it dammages me a little more; takes a little more from me. It leaves me sicker then I was beforehand.

But then, when I don't live up to these obligations, I get haunted by the question of: "what if this was the one time when I could've met the right woman?" or "...made some helpful new connections?" and I missed it.

I just wish I had a way out. One that didn't involve all these cockamamie parlor games.

@chibam It's quite a dilemma you have. Does @Flotsam 's suggestion help, of trying on each decision hypothetically?

---

@NatureLover wrote:

@chibam It's quite a dilemma you have. Does @Flotsam 's suggestion help, of trying on each decision hypothetically?

---

The mere thought of going through with it... I guess you could call the emotion a mix between exhaustion, sickness and "Oh FFS!😠"

The though of abstaining is mostly one of relief, but also of a sliver of uneasiness, from that 0.05% of doubt that maybe my happy ending might just be there. What if I miss it?

To tell the truth though, my capacity for hope is just about dead.

Abstaining is definitely the easier choice. But easy doesn't mean right, does it?

On the flip side, difficult doesn't necessarily mean right, either, does it?

@chibam

It can be a great act of self care to listen to your feelings. That is why we have them. I always find Jomo better than Fomo. Joy of missing out, versus fear of missing out. I have recently started to become aware of my limitations and what is good for my trauma recovery. I won’t deliberately put myself in harms way anymore. It is okay for you to have wants and needs and it is definitely okay to protect yourself. In fact you must protect your mental health as much as possible, just as much as your physical health.

I completely opted out of xmas last year, it was actually very nice to do exactly what I wanted to.