Recent diagnosis of BPD - somewhat very self aware but entering a new identity phase

Hey guys,

I'm new here. I have been diagnosed with BPD mid year and I was not surprised.

I work in mental health and have studied to help others, mostly because I knew something was up with myself. I never felt 'normal'. Always knew my emotions were unstable, my relationships have been unstable, I love a good risk (especially when it pays off).

I have embraced my 'crazy' side and used it to my advantage with life choices.

However, I am now struggling to identify how much of my life has been BPD driven and what 'normal' feels like. I have these weird phases I go through where I feel super empowered and embrace my femininity, and then I go through phases (which I'm stuck in at the moment) where I'm angry.. Not circumstantial angry but bitter with the people in my life that have contributed to my trauma.

Mostly, I'm angered by my most recent partner. He used my symptoms and trauma and weaponized it as a control tactic and now I'm confused about my identity and can't seem to shake this feeling that I am a careless, horrible person.

I love unconditionally until someone hurts me with their actions or words.

Then I disconnect completely and cut them off like they were never even around.

I go on these tangents trying to get people around me (family and intimate partners) trying to get them to understand what it's like inside of my body, my brain, why I am so sensitive sometimes or why I have big reactions. But it has been seen as 'She's just having another episode and I am not dealing with it'.

I dunno what I'm looking for with this post either.. I just need to get some of my feelings out (probably should do this with a therapist but they're so expensive).

I guess I just want my feelings to be validated and to not feel so alone in this world.