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jeonginityNew Contributor
hey! so i met this person online and we have really hit it off but they’re looking for a friends with benefits type of situation. i’m a virgin, i don’t know if this is a bad idea or not? i’m quite stuck in the middle of what to do, weather to do it or just block them and try to pretend it didn’t happen and hope there is no consequences. if anyone has any advice it would be really appreciated ❤️
In response to: intimacy
deshiftSenior Contributor
@jeonginity I could probably write a book about this topic, and maybe when I do write a book, it will indirectly address the core issue you are dancing around here. and that is that sexual promiscuity is empowering.
it isn't.
I've spent my entire life without any personal boundaries, or limits to what was acceptable for my emotional wellbeing, and eventually it takes its toll. the price you pay for a bit of fun is too high, compared to the type of safety all of us actually crave, and if you've never had safety, then you are unaware of how calm it makes you feel.
did you want to be friends with benefits with someone before you began this online thing? are you aware that getting to know someone really intimately, really quickly is a red flag for people familiar with their attachment style? are you even ready for the depth and breadth of what a romantic relationship entails?
these are all things I wish people had said to me when I was 17 about to sleep with who I assumed was my best friend, and who I assumed was in love with me the way I thought I was in love with her, and I still think about it after all this time.
ultimately, you probably didn't need any advice, you can figure things out on your own, your gut probably is already telling you what you don't want to hear, but I am here to offer a perspective from experience of someone who finds it more difficult to meet new people now, than I did when I was in my 20's.
please look after yourself, and thanks for being brave and telling us your story.
😎
deshift
In response to: intimacy
hanamiSenior Contributor
Hi @jeonginity
I am waaaaay to old to give dating advice lol. I'm 54 and have been married for 27 years. BUT I do have kids who are young adults. I see issues they have so here's what I think. I think you could get hurt easily if this is kinda all new to you but then again, if you want a friends with benefits type thing then that's ok. But for me, feelings always got in the way. I always got attached even when I said I wouldn't. I I am a very sensitive soul and feel that it might be harder for sensitive people to stay detached. I get jealous very easily so that's something else to consider.. I can imagine dating life is hard!
Sending warm wishes
Hanami
In response to: intimacy
scruffypuffballSenior Contributor
@jeonginity
I just posted these two articles in another thread. If you are looking for emotional intimacy (ie mutual support with someone with shared values), then this person seems like they want the gratification with no strings attached. If you are not ready for that, let them go. Online dating is filled with opportunists and predators. It is backed by research. You really need your boundaries way up in a situation like that.
@deshiftis sharing the sentiment in the articles below. When someone rushes into having relations with another, it could be a big red flag for someone who is about exploitation and control rather than a healthy reciprocal mutual relationship. Toxic relationships are transactional and conditional, ie they invest in a relationship with you to get something out of it, rather then spending time with you because they like you.
Shahida Arabi has said this in tweets that sxual liberation was a con. The only people who benefit are low value men/women (ie people without empathy/decency/morality), ie the ones who will use you for emotional/sxual labour and then discard you on a whim. You end up feeling betrayed and carrying a lot of hurt. A lot of them know what to say and buttons to push to suck you into a relationship. Sometimes you are being played. What I am saying is, just be aware.
Oh one more thing. If you block or move on and the consequences are they make you feel bad about it or even abuse you for saying no. The test is always - how do they react to "no". If they react badly, then you dodged a bullet...Someone who does not respect boundaries is another red flag. The reddest of them all.
In response to: intimacy
Singer_89Contributor
Hi hope you’re well…I will be honest with you,losing your virginity is something that you truly will want to do with someone that not only you love but with someone who loves you back and wants to make the commitment to be with you,because if you are only friends with benefits it could be one of those things that you will unfortunately regret later on…good luck and I hope we have all helped you in some way
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
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