30 Years of an unchecked diagnosis.

I'm not sure I can even accurately communicate my experiences.

I've been living with for 30 years what has been classified as upper extreme dysfunction ADHD. Only being diagnosed in August of 2023. At the point of writing this I've been medicated for approximately 2 months.

My experience with medication has been able to get me to physically functioning, I can remember to eat, exercise and do tasks that everyone labelled me as lazy or incompetent for being unable to complete in the past. I cried the first time I took the medication, as my head was calm for the first time in my life and I didn't know what to do with that.

My medication stops me getting into states of cataplexy or catatonia where I am stuck in my own mind in my house, unable to execute a single task because I am bombarded by my own head internally.

I would like to note, that my ADHD paralysis is almost non-existent when I have external support or even just the presence of someone who cares.

My diagnosis was found after my symptoms became severely unmanageable after the suicide of my closest friend. I have family, but none that understands me, cares enough to try to understand me, or still holds enough of my trust for me to talk to them on any meaningful level. This has been directly and verbally expressed by my family to me.

As further context my family life was highly dysfunctional, in hindsight some of these complications could be attributed to ADHD symptoms, and whilst that may be my fault, I didn't have the awareness to manage it and I was also still just a child. The day I left home was under threat of gun violence.

I managed to seek professional help when my grief escalated in the wake of my friend's death at the beginning of the year. She was the only person who I had ever felt truly like they were my family. Please note the relationship was entirely platonic. They were the only person I had ever had in my life that didn't set expectations of me that would set me up for failure, they would never judge me for the outcome, but simply my efforts.

I find when trying to relate to neurotypical people, their expectations are very process and outcome focused. Which leads to me being unable to follow these strict procedures deemed "normal" and ultimately having a different outcome to what was assumed. This became cyclical and people would inevitably give up on me or discard me, whether that last part is objectively true or not I don't know, but it was and is how I feel and is therefore real and relevant.

Leading up to my appointment for diagnosis, my partner of approximately 2 years was becoming overburden by my needs, losing a major part of my support network meant that all my needs for; friendship, intimacy, family, and sense of community or connection, now heightened by grief , fell heavily upon her. Unreasonably so as no one person is able to provide that. Overwhelming and burdening her, and inevitably leading to our break up.

This in turn lead to some pretty significant emotional dysregulation problems for me, after a lifelong feeling that people inevitably discard me, now the person I loved and needed most at that time was done, gone too from me but still here just out of reach. I'm not proud of it but that level of humiliation, lead to some very unhealthy contact between us in the proceeding weeks, I tried to understand her post break up needs, but the expectations were not something I could reasonably achieve and I inevitably failed those outcomes and my problematic cycle was renewed. Despite my best efforts all she could see was me "not trying hard enough" to respect her boundaries, even though the level of effort I had to put in which was feasibly normal for others, was causing me physical pain, primarily from bruxism (partially a complication of medication) and increased levels of stimming behaviours that would wear out my knee and cause jaw pains.

And now in trying to better myself, and be healthy and well, I've found myself stuck at a new wall. I can do everything I need to do for myself, but the next thing I need to be able to fully self-actualise, find purpose and fulfilment is something that needs to be offered freely by others. I can't give myself a sense of community and belonging, I've been trying to reconnect with people from my past, forge new connections, and even attempting to reconcile with my ex (this part did not go well, as my emotions were getting in the way of my clarity to explain and attempt to educate on the effects of my condition).

But being the "invisible" disability, people seem to just palm it off still, and whilst work and study can be accommodating with reasonable adjustments. I can't find people willing to do that on a social level, and I am constantly forced to mask and exhaust myself in self-regulating, and feel unable to find a space to just be me.

That brings us to this morning, feeling I had no one to ask for help. I reached out to Beyond Blue who sent me here. To say the least after my discussion with them I felt even more isolated and disconnected from other people, but I thought it was worth trying here.

Does anyone else here share the experiences on both being upper extreme severity for ADHD, whilst also having had it masked by being classified upper extreme for cognitive function (generally referred to as "gifted child")?

Constantly having high external expectations for success, whilst being thrown into a system built for your failure, and being judged exclusively based on those outcomes.

My two analogies that have had some success for explaining my feelings;

Societally being a square peg in a world of round holes and watching the confusion of the round pegs when I can't move through the holes the way they do.

Being given a hammer and being asked to finish knitting a blanket, and watching people wonder why you smashed it to pieces instead. My medication makes me feel like I at least have a needle for about a third of my day.

Thank you to anyone who reads this,

I don't want sympathy or pity, so if you choose to respond please remove that from what you are saying, as with professional help I have identified this as an emotional trigger for me.

Alternatively, I hope this can help someone else feel understood, and I would love more than anything for those people to reach out.