When you feel love is not enough

Thank you for sharing @Healandlove . It sounds like a very difficult time and the distancing is growing further apart. It sounds like you have actively taken steps to restore what you once had.

Does your husband want to work towards recovery? Or do you think he's given up?

I can also see the effect this may be having on your young children, and the effect it could have on them in the future.

I have had MBT (mentalisation based therapy) which helped me with my CPTSD. It wasn't the main point of engaging in the therapy, but it certainly helped it. However, I cannot speak from the perspective of having a young family.

We are here. We are listening.

@tyme Thank you for your time and your insight. I very much worry about the impact this is having on our kids. They are the most beautiful children you could ask for. We even went through IVF for our first born and experienced several losses. I am not sure if my husband has given up. I think he pushes his feelings down and just retreats into his self preservation mode but hasn't sat down to think about life without me in it. I actually don't think it would make a difference for him whether I am around or not. He can be kind and caring at times. Still calls me darling. But his default mode is self preservation. I feel guilty at times for wishing he was someone that grew up in a happy home. I wish that we had the same my parents have. He is seeing a clinical psychologist who is trained in complex trauma once a month. I do wish he went more often but financially we can't afford it..I worry that I am missing out on being there for my children more as I do have moments where I feel depressed due to my relationship with my husband and his constant shutting down. For those members with complex trauma, any hope of happiness in relationships? Thank you for listening.

Yep,

You just spoke my story of my marriage.

 when I joined Sane forums, my marriage was to a lovely lovely male who is diagnosed Chronic paranoid schizophrenia and other unmet issues like getting wholesome support from the mental health organisations in our state in Australia.

We began weekly counselling from a wonderful organisation in our state and I was in therapy as well.

After about ,2 years, I realised I wasn't being loved up. I had to go. It was tough.

We have been divorced for a couple of years. We are also besties and my new partner and I give as much support as we can.

It's a hard and twisty road.

Do you feel you are being properly loved ??

Thank you @PeppyPatti for sharing your story. Ibam glad you are still friends with your ex-husband and you and your new partner give him support. You are so brave and I can imagine how hard it all was. To answer your question, sometimes I feel properly loved. My husband is up and down so i don't know if that is just because of time or not. I live one day at a time hoping for the best. I also have young children so it makes everything more complicated. Maybe it will be an organic thing that either we reconnect or we separate. I do wonder how life with someone with no mental health issues would be like. I have my own things to work on and I am doing that with my therapist but I came from a home where there was love and connection so my attachments allow me to feel safe and supported. My husband on the other hand does not have that so he struggles with connections. Thank you for reading. Hope you have a lovely Sunday...love your bird pic.

@fluffylight, thank you so much for your kind message. My Sunday is OK. Some days are better than others but the pressure of being a good parent and shielding my children from my husband's mental health issues do take a lot out of me. I need to have time on my own and I do whenever possible. Due to my husband's mental health issues my sister and her family have distanced themselves from us and that has been really tough. We don't have a close relationship so I don't blame my husband for that but his behaviour has caused extended family rupture. It was almost as if he broke the camel's back and he has become an excellent excuse for my sister and brother in law to forget us. I'm grateful my parents are still supporting us. They know my husband has complex-PTSD and have been very patient and empathetic whilst still setting boundaries. I expected more kindness from my sister specially since she is a psychologist but unfortunately it is almost like this rupture was welcomed because my sister always wanted to be an only child. Her rejection of me has been from an early age. I have only ever been contacted by her when she needed something despite my best efforts to connect and seek a stronger relationship. It is hard all around. I have a very close friend and she has been a source of great support and love. It is really hard being made to feel responsible and ashamed of my husband. Sometimes I have a fantasy where I get into an accident and wake up with amnesia and I can only recognise my children and no-one else. That way all that pain of knowing the past, what people have said and done would be gone. It's unhealthy 😕 to have these fantasies but sometimes I can't help them.

Thank you for listening 🙏🏻

Hi @Healandlove , it sounds like you are sitting with a fair bit there.

It must be draining at times. I'm sorry to hear that your sister is not much of a help. Sometimes, family members are the hardest to help with it comes to mental health. When I was really struggling with my mental health, I remember by sister saying "Don't tell me, I'm not your therapist. Speak to your counsellor". This was not because she didn't care, but moreso because it was too close to home.

Do you think your children are affected in any way? If so, do you think their school will support them with their wellbeing?

@tyme , thank you for your insight. I think in my case, my sister rather forget we are related. I will always love her though. She was meant to be born an only child I think. I believe that she has narcissistic traits so I guess it is all very complex. I just wish we were the type of sisters where we could sit and have an honest non-judgemental discussion but she shuts down just like my husband. To think about it, they have similarities.

My kids do get affected when they see my husband depressed or reacting to a trigger. He is loving towards them but his main issue is he takes everything personally and defensively. He feels rejected often and doesn't know how to communicate without sounding like a child having a tantrum. My daughter is gifted so she challenges him often. My son is a peacemaker just like me. Their school wouldn't be able to support them. I am the source of emotional stability for the children. If I was not there 50% of the time, I don't know how my husband would cope. I know he is trying by going to therapy but it does feel like one step forward and 2 back. He is a smart man and a hard worker. He does help around the house. He does do lovely things for us here and there but his inability to connect emotionally is draining. After his therapy sessions, he often cries. I feel for him and support him but I also need to protect myself and have time away from him. Sometimes I think we should stop the marriage counselling sessions but keep going because I have some faith that one day it will all click for him. I will try to hold on as long as I can. We do have lovely family moments but unfortunately there are also lots of moments with the weight of his complex-PTSD. He says he doesn’t need to be happy and doesn't deserve to be loved. It is heartbreaking knowing he has everything to be happy...but needs to start by loving himself before he can truly love. Sometimes I wish I could spend one day inside his body and mind to see what he sees. Thank you for being here. It gives me comfort. I can't talk to anyone about this besides my therapist. Bless you all.

Hey @Healandlove ,

I'm interested why you want to stop the marriage counselling? Is it because you feel he needs to heal before he can focus on marriage counselling?

It sounds like he has a lot going on for him in terms of his mental health. Please remember it is not him that is speaking, but his mental health condition. His reaction sounds like there's trauma involved - would you say that?

Please hold on. He IS making an effort and going to therapy. It's harder when people refuse to get help.

He needs you.

At the same time, look after yourself. I read you are an anchor to your family right now. They need you to be well. No one can pour from an empty cup.

I'm so glad you have found these forums to connect with others. These forums were invaluable to me during my MH journey. I hope you find the same.

@tyme , thank you for your kind words.

I guess I am frustrated at the slowness of progress and I find the marriage counselling draining. It seems like we go around in circles and 1 step forward and 2 back. I do also feel that he needs to heal first. I really just want him to be healthy and happy. He has so much potential to be the man, husband and father I know he can be. Yes he has prolonged trauma from his childhood. He was diagnosed this year with complex-PTSD. One of the consequences of this trauma is that he always felt he didn't have a voice. He rebels against his parents. His parents solve issues by sweeping them under the carpet. So he never learnt how to have an argument constructively or even without getting agitated and angry. It is heartbreaking. He lives in a world where he is hypervigilant for criticisms and opposition. He also shuts down emptionally. Becoming a father triggered him in a big way. I noticed a significant change in mood and behaviour after the birth of our second child (boy). I was told by a psychotherapist that the birth of a boy took him to a dark place as it probably triggered the memories of what he went through. I asked him then to go to marriage counselling as I knew something wasn't right but he refused. Then covid hit and the rest is history. The thing is I also suffered childhood trauma. The difference between us is that I had support and a strong bond with my parents and that connection saw me through. My trauma has given me anxiety. I am getting therapy for myself to deal with what happened to me and with what is happening in my marriage. I guess what is making this situation so much harder is that I want to leave the trauma behind so badly and just be a happy family but instead I am having to be the stronger person. I'm sorry for sharing so much. I understand this would be hard to read. He is trying and I hope we can get through this. He was a lovely man and I hope that man is still in there somewhere. Most of all I want to stop the transgenerational trauma. Even if it is just me shielding the kids. My therapist told me that one emotionally grounded parent is enough for kids to feel safe and develop coping strategies. I hope that is true.

Thank you for being here. I can't believe I have written all of this down. I have to admit, reading it breaks my heart but also makes me feel a little bit lighter.