TW: Somethings not right

Hey @NorthPacific ,

I'm sorry to hear that you don't have money to see a GP. It sounds like a pretty uncomfortable place to find yourself.

Based on what you have posted, it sounds like you may need to see a professional soon so that things don't escalate to a more dangerous point.

If you are willing, you may even want to visit the emergency department at your local hospital. It sounds like it may take some time to find out what's happening.

Thoughts?

Please know you are not alone.

@NorthPacific

What @tyme said.

I didn't know the right way of saying that.

I've had similar issues at times in my life; I feel for you. I hope you can find answers and assistance asap

@NorthPacific @StuF ,

Very true. I've seen it many many times. Things go down hill very quickly.

I'm helping a young fellow at the moment. He was dependent on drugs, but then wanted to get off them. When he did, he because hearing and seeing things, and was very absent from reality.

He finally went to hospital, stayed two weeks to sort out medication, then was sent home. The CATT team check on him once in a while. He battles the thoughts everyday. He has found peace in God, but still struggles with the voices. Once in a while, his medication needs to be reviewed.

He is doing so much better now and I only just got the news that he secured a job today 🙂

Please take care @NorthPacific

That's an encouraging story in the end @tyme

I've been lucky in the treatment I've received in public and private (mostly the latter) but it's still a hard path.

Anyways, almost bed time here.

Again, as @tyme said - please take care @NorthPacific

I can understand your concern @NorthPacific . I'm diagnosed as bipolar after navigating through a couple of prior diagnoses and have been psychotic - but perhaps not classical bipolar 1.

I'm on a maintenance dose of an antipsychotic and can take a bit more prn if needed. Sleep disturbances and high stress levels are red flags for me.

It's hard if you can't afford a gp as they'd be a possible gateway to a psychiatrist for assessment and meds review... speaking from my experience in the private sector. Maybe a crisis assessment team - they go by different names including psychiatric triage - would be a point of contact rather than fronting an ED.

I admire and respect your self-awareness and resourcefulness in reaching out here. I really hope you connect with us all and can stay in touch and let us know how you get on.

If you'd like to reply to any of us in particular please tag us with @ in front of our username.

Take care and do try to keep up sleeping and meals routines while you're so vulnerable.

Best wishes

Dimity

Hey @tyme

I had a big sleep and despite the weird semi-lucid dreams (like I was aware I was dreaming but no control over it), I feel a lot more cohesive. Definitely something still not right, still kinda dream-like right now, having a hard time keeping track of things or following the routine, feeling a bit haunted and not feeling much of anything, but not as intense as last night. It was like reliving side-effects of bipolar medication or those fractal timeloops when you smoke too much weed. The fact I was sober is what freaked me out the most and writing things out usually helps clarify exactly what's happening.

I'm really introspective and, having experience with bipolar, I know what a delusion is, as in I can intellectually realise something is untrue even if I in my heart of hearts (at that moment, at least) believe it. Usually rationalised as "They won't understand, so don't bother explaining it", I just keep it to myself and later come to my senses. These are definitely delusions, yet I believe them - still seeing coincidences (and how many of those until you win the lottery?). It's really difficult to explain, like having a mental arm-wrestle.

The current situation is such that I can't exactly 'leave my post' and go check myself in anywhere, but I recognise something's gotta give because this isn't normal. Then again, I really don't want to see a mental professional. I've also been burnt in the past by mental health 'specialists/experts' - either being forced to see them (I'm one of those 'do the opposite out of spite' people when you tell me what to do) or they've been uncaring, clearly more concerned about my wallet than my health or otherwise unhelpful. I recognise that's irrational, but it's hard to shake that prejudice (I've tried putting it aside, but then I immediately meet with an avaricious shrink, which reinforces everything - fun!).

I'm also weighed down by fear of stigma - I've had too many experiences where people (including close family) will either:

- Shut down the discussion whenever I mention symptoms. e.g. after finding out my anti-depressant-induced mania was a dead-giveaway of bipolar, Trying to bring that up to people was usually met with "You're fine, it's not bipolar" or "Everyone feels depressed/anxious". Despite telling them I was ticking virtually every box for the illness, people kept shutting it down. This was during lockdowns and a bereavement, so I can kinda let it slide. I also understand they had a warped understanding of the illness then and they were coming from a place of compassion (they didn't want me having bipolar because they love me and didn't want me to be in pain), it still hurt to hear and I generally don't discuss it with family anymore (especially in detail).

- Some people avoid me or treat me differently after I disclose mental illness. They were fine with me beforehand, but then they actively avoid me or look at me like I'm gonna hurt them or something even though I haven't done anything out of the ordinary. I'm not a violent person at all and I get incredibly upset when others think that about me. I will admit I look terrifying when I'm upset - I stare/glare directly forward, I move slowly like a terminator, and it doesn't help I'm 6'2", built like a brick-shithouse and have tattoos. I don't blame people sidestepping me in that state, but it's when I'm not experiencing symptoms and they treat me differently, that stings a lot. Further reinforcement to just keep it to myself.

- I've had workplaces treat me differently because of it. Not all of them, but some would be really unsympathetic when I had an episode (which I can't exactly predict or stop once its happening, like in the middle of a shift). They'd get annoyed with me and reprimand me for requesting I have the day off because it hurt their 'reputation'. Then after that, just coincidentally, my hours are lowered, or I'm put on the crappy shifts, licences/opportunities are also pushed back a week because 'scheduling conflicts', only to be pushed back a week later, then again, then again. Thanks for that, makes me really want to work there. Just enough plausible denialability that I can't really do anything about it. I usually just leave them at a super inconvenient time (e.g. someone else is leaving or a peak business period) as my petty revenge.

- I've had accusations that I'm looking for excuses (from confidants and strangers alike). That I'm faking it to try get attention, or that I'm just being lazy to get out of responsibilities. Anyone that knows anything about me would know that such accusations are laughable. I don't post on social media and typically like being 'behind-the-scenes'. I have my idiosyncrasies that bring attention and I have been the life of the party before, but I don't force myself into the limelight - others ask me to step into it, which I might (or might not). I have completed many tasks that require intense effort and commitment. I've completed university studies (and want to go back). I've held jobs for several years and can count the days I've called in sick on one hand. I abhor asking for money and I hate when people have suggested I go on benefits during periods of financial hardship. I've lived by myself more than once including in foreign countries and I want to move out again, and I can't stand sitting around and doing nothing - I'm always researching, always improving my skills, and I'm a sucker for helping others out. Being taken out of action due to illness (mental or otherwise) and simply not having the energy to do anything is my personal Hell. To hear that I'm looking for an excuse to be lazy or I don't like responsibility boils my blood.

So all these previous experiences weigh heavy on my mind once I consider the next step and I find it debilitating. I don't want to put it off since I know from experience that doing nothing out of fear of stigma will lead me to ruin in the longterm, but I don't feel capable of copping more shit at the moment, especially with such creepy and terrifying symptoms I've been feeling. The thought of trying to explain THAT is harrowing. I feel like I've been forced to isolate, which makes getting help feel impossible. It's easy to pour your heart out when you're anonymous, but out in the world the thought of a fresh bout of accusations, gaslighting and being treated like a ticking timebomb is exhausting.

I’m hearing you @NorthPacific . Stigma stinks. I’ve been in similar positions where mental health was frowned upon and I was pretty much told to just get on with life. It upset me a lot.

Yet I have also found organisations that are very conscious of people’s wellbeing and mental health. As long as people don’t abuse their empathy and kindness. It makes me upset when people just want time off to do other things and use mental health as an excuse. They knowingly tell me what they are doing, then apply for a wellbeing day.

Do what’s right for you. Seek help early so that you don’t find yourself ‘gone too far’. Take a balanced approach. You don’t have to rely fully on professionals, but a well-rounded support is beneficial.

Take one step at a time. All the best @NorthPacific