Friends ... and how to lose them

I totally agree with you and have made mention on here just recently about how people tend to view mental health issues very differently to physical health issues. It's frustrating especially when in some situations some people's physical health has a negative affect on their personality as well yet they are often validated by saying "considering what I've been through if I'm a bit anti-social well then that's good"!!!!!

Friends, well I've had a couple that have stuck by me but what I've struggled the most with was being really, really let down by a couple of them once I found the courage to open up. They either used things I told them in confidence about me and that hurt so much. Some of these people I am still friends with but am a bit more wary of.

Some I've cut off contact with for saying things that really hurt me. One lady in particular simply called me oversensitive, said her comment shouldn't have affected me the way it did and that was the end of the story. No apology, nothing. That sort of thing I cannot just get over and it still makes me angry thinking about it.

I choose to now think of incidents like these as a bigger reflection on the type of people these "friends" really are. It's not about me, what I've done or my personality. Some people are very good at portraying themselves as more caring or empathetic than they actually are when it comes down to it. These people I've found though always drop the mask at some point in time and I'd rather know I had 1 really, really good friend who has never let me down than a lot of people who friends but don't really have my best interests at heart in any way.

Trusting people is hard. Being let down by others is hard. And going through things and working through them on your own is also hard, I guess sometimes it's a matter of picking which of the options is the least hard for you at the time to deal with.

Hi @zenman55,

thanks for telling us so much about yourself. I think you post will really help others. @Princessmolly also recently started a discussion about friendship which you might like to take a look at.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of insight into yourself. So dont give up! I believe it is never too late to start making friends and meeting new people.

Maybe you could ask your wife to tell you what your best personal qualities are? Obviously she loves you and finds you very lovable. She may have some insights for you.

I find friendship to be a very tricky thing. In the first instance, I am always self-conscious and probably come accross as way too quiet, too polite and too respectful and distant. People just don't get to see the real 'me' on first meeting and probably think I am very boring!! I have even been called 'prude'. Ouch!

Once I warm up to someone, I can be a very kind, genuine, supportive friend with a wicked sense of humor. Only thing is, I do need to retreat quite often and spend time alone to recharge, which some people don't understand. I'm not always 'switched on'.

@zenman55, I think that understanding yourself and your limits is the first step. It sound like you are on to this.

If you know that you can come across as 'irritable' then that is something you might like to explore. It's ok to be irritated by people- it's normal and very common - but you might choose your moments when you actually tell them up front!

Hi Zedman55,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts around friendship and living with a Mental Illness. I would also like to hear what others on the forum have to say. Relationships are tricky at the best of times. I wonder if it’s a lack of understanding and education and safety in the area we know that stops people. You mentioned if people have an illness like cancer there may be more people around to support I believe that’s right but even in these circumstances people drop off. My sense of self so often was around what I did but I had to find who I was as well. What I do took over my life and it is a part of me but genuinely finding who else I am was more important. I am actually my friend now, not all the time but more than before. I don’t have many friends and they have only developed into friendship from acquaintances or work mates because I was ready to take the time and so where they. (short odds). Some people stay at a distance, I just went with it, as for whatever reason that’s not up to me to work out. . Not sure there is a quick answer to have people understand that our mental health is only a part of us. We are people just like everyone else. Again thanks for the post.

What I find amazing is how many people experience the same things when it comes to friends and bipolar. People without mental illnesses, I don't think, and this is only from observation from for example my ex wife, they don't have the depth of friendships that those with bipolar 'want'. Maybe that is wrong, but I know that for me, I am a one person friend. I will have a couple of associates, but they are very light and fluffy where I put a mask up when they are around but if it slips down and a bit of bipolar slips out, they turn a blind eye. These ones I have informed them right at the start that such and such may happen, don't take it personally, but if I disappear or snap etc please just let me go, it's not me, I need some time out or medication. People will either respect that or put you in the too hard basket. Sorts those out pretty quick who are interested in you as a person and as a friend or just someone who is potentially going to suck the energy out of you. Truth is, if we really can't understand or reliably predict our mood during the course of an hour, and lets face it, it doesn't take long for a trigger to turn your day and mood totally upside down, then there is no way someone else is going to get it. I guess it is one reason why a lot of us end up on forums, for it is on here that we do get confirmation that the way we are feeling and the way we interact with others is not a personality issue of ours, but rather a similarity we all share.

Having said all that, I lose friends quicker than I can find them. The sad part is that to survive I have so many masks that what others see is no where near who I actually am underneath. Once I let down the masks and the walls and let someone in a little, I have a very creative and fun side to my personality that is actually brought out by interacting with others that are feeling similar. But who to trust, and who to start letting down those masks to, I find you can work out pretty quick who to trust. It is those that don't pull away when you are down or lose interest when you have to disappear for a few days whilst you tame the beast that lurks within, be it rage or hypersexuality or anger etc. Again, friends often don't understand that you are actually protecting them from you, or that you are just so drained that you need to do something as simple as just sleep for the weekend.

For me, the best friendship I have is right at the moment. I befriended someone who also has bipolar, who understands and can relate to a lot of the things I feel and the way I act, and visa versa. It is really hard when both are down, and the importance of respecting time out is important. Communication is the key and being 100% transparent, or the best you can within the boundaries set up. Our conversations, it is important that they have a mix of stupid crazy and serious life problems, and since we talk via email live, we can have several conversations going at the same time, making it a positive experience because there is a fun element whilst at the same time sharing the pain and hurt from others and everyday life. It's a constant juggle, and all the normal bipolar traits come into play like being paranoid, feeling like you are being pushed away, feeling needy or clingy, backing away, giving space, when you look at all the things we do to friends, it's easy to see why it's so hard.

At the end of the day. A friend will have your best interests at heart, will be encouraging when they can and give what they can to you regarding time and energy, will respect your needs, and display trust and honesty. Anyone who sucks lifes energy out of you and doesn't give back, get them out of your life. I would rather have no friends than fake friends. There are good people out there, but it takes time. Most people without any mental illness will tell you that if you find one or two good friends in a lifetime you are doing well.

Protect number one. A good friend will feel the same about you. The minute they don't, they're not a friend. Communicate regularly and honestly. No point someone liking you and THEN finding out about the bipolar. I tell people up front early in the peace. I am not embarressed. If they have a problem, then it's their problem and I have not wasted any time on them. Move on, just like they have. Never sell yourself short.

Disclaimer.

I know nothing. If none of that makes sense, then none of that makes sense and should be read as though it makes no sense. To come to any other conclusion would be nonsense.

Last year

My neighbor got taken away by 'Police'

And i never really knew her

But she was attractive and she seemed like a classy lady

I don't really understsnd

But sometimes i think of her and wonder how she is these days

Dear zenman55,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us. I have had bi-polar disorder for 47 years, and can relate painfully to your remarks. Like you I am lucky to have a supportive spouse who has stood by me. I find that when I am very depressed I don't want to see anyone or do aything, so I isolate my self off from all the people around me, both family and friends. My husband is wonderfully supportive by just being there, in the same room, and helping me feel not totally alone.

Over the years I have had and lost many friends. Some people just didn't understand what was going on with me and fell away because I couldn't interact. Each time I felt it as a blow. As you said, if it were a physical illness people would be more understanding and supportive. Fortunately that situation in our society is changing, with many prominent people "coming out" with mental health issues.

I have a small circle of very good friends who have stood by me through thickand thin.They understand that when I am depressed I need to be left alone, and respect that. Then when I am well again we get back together and just do normal things.

What I'd like to suggest is that you try to widen your circle and make a few new friends. What I have done is sign up for two part-time voluntary jobs. They are not high pressure, but I get to meet people and enjoy some human interaction while doing a bit of good for the community. You could start by asking at your local council, or approaching organizations such as the Salvation Army or St. Vincent de Paul. I don't know what State you live in, but in Victoria you can google Volunteering Victoria and get a whole lot of information. I am sure there are similar organizations in other States. Volunteering would make you feel good, give you a constructive way of filling your time and help you meet new "colleagues" who could become friends.

The way to make friends is to reach out to other people, preferably those involved in a common interest. I understand your frustration and anger at the way friends have treated you, but why not draw a line under all that and start afresh? Retirement is a big change in your life, let's make it into a fulfilling and challenging time for you.

Ellu