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Intamacy issues

MiemieNew Contributor02 Nov 2023, 3:35 pm AEDT

Intamacy issues

Hi,
i am new to this platform and looking for some advice. i am trying to reach out to a counsellor but just cant afford it with the cost of living at the moment. i dont ever have any spare money after bills.

basically im needing some advise, i have been in a long term relationship for 10 years. the relationship has not been easy and we have been having the same issue for the past 5 years. we are constantly arguing because he feels i am not intimate enough and i am trying to explain to him that i express my affection differently. im at my witts end, i constantly feel like im not good enough and he makes it always seem like im the reason for the breakdown in the relationship. i told him years ago i dont feel appreciated enough and we dont prioritize time together. in the 10 years we have been together we have only been going out on dates at the first 2 years. once we bought a house that all stopped. i work 7 days a week in a job thats very demanding and it frustrates me that i feel like i come home everyday to a man child whos playing games and has not organised anything for dinner and not bothered to clean. his excuse is well i do this stuff for you and i get nothing in retun. i constantly feel like if he does one thing around the house i then must give him affection. im struggling to get past the fact that he feels that everything he does in our house is for me not because we both are responsible for the housework. i have been doing all the cooking, cleaning, pet care and working more than he does for the 5 years we have owner this house but he thinks because he cleans the kitchen once i must give him all the affection he needs and must dote on him for it.

TW: Abuse

Content/trigger warning

it got to the point that last weekend we were arguing, he was blocking me into a room demanding we talk now, i told him no and tried to shut the door for him to block it open, i told him he was behaving like a child so he threw all my stuff in my craft room all over the floor, threw all the pets stuff that was in the living are into my craft room, threw out the birthday gifts i bought him. and said you want me to act like a child i will. it got to the point that i wanted to leave, had no idea where my car keys were, no idea where my phone was (later found it smashed to pieces in my craft room) i was tidying up my space and he tried to push his way in so i went to walk past him instead he block himself in the hallway so i could not pass him and i pushed to get past, fell over and he fell on top of me. he would not get off of me eventhough i asked 5 times get off of me, i screamed and the neighbours called the cops which they put us on a 24hr no contact hold. hes then made me feel quilty as i have gone back home, hes been spending less time on his games and actually cleaning the house but becuse i have not given him the 100% affection hes expecting hes now angry at me sending messages that are rude asking what bedroom i will take and that if we dont talk tonight hes done.

im just so lost, i love him but far out his behaviour is making me feel like im just a room mate and there when he wants something.

he asked for a back massage the other night which i gave him but almost felt like i was forcing myself to do it cause i was scared if i said no im tired that he get stroppy.

i have asked him so many times to help out by actually showing me the affection hes craving so i can learn what he needs but he always says no i did that at the start and it didnt change so i wont try until you show me you can try more

i asked him after our 24hr hold what he want in the next 10 years as i know i want marriage and kids, he said he dosnt know whatever happens happens, if he had kids great, if he dosnt that dosnt matter to him. its just irritating to me that someone knows how much i want a traditional marraige and kids and hes not even spoken to me about it. i have made it clear i want kids but his reponse is if it happens it happens..... im now trying to decide if i stay and try to work past my intamacy issues or walk away. 10 years is a long time to spend with someone to just thow it all away
help, im now at the point where im cnsidering if this is worth all the work im trying to put forward.

3 replies

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In response to: Intamacy issues

BoppaSenior Contributor02 Nov 2023, 4:16 pm AEDT

Re: Intamacy issues

@Miemie- you are asking for advice, I have no professional skills as a counselor but my advice as a man who has enjoyed a 25+ year marriage with my wife and our two adult sons, is to perhaps consider the difficult choice of leaving and starting over.

The person you describe doesn't sound like someone mature enough to manage a relationship, yet alone a marriage and kids.

Every relationship is unique but the ones i have seen that are most successful are where the two people are emotionally intelligent enough to find compromise without becoming compromised.

I wish you strength and the opportunity to find clarity to make a decision that makes you happier and respected.

In response to: Re: Intamacy issues

tymeModerator02 Nov 2023, 5:15 pm AEDT

Re: Intamacy issues

Hey @Miemie ,

What you have posted is quite concerning. A relationship is about give and take. It doesn't sound like you are very happy with what is happening, and this is having a strain on you and your relationship.

No one should be made to feel unsafe in their own home. It's important you reach out to speak to someone. Unless there is a common understanding, things may get more difficult.

Do you think he is up for talking about what your relationship will look like, moving forward?

Have you ever contacted 1800RESPECT?

If you feel unsafe at any time, please call 000.

In response to: Intamacy issues

StanDSenior Contributor12 Nov 2023, 12:14 am AEDT

Re: Intamacy issues

Hello @Miemie

I'm so happy you found the strength to share what is happening for you.

I understand, that by the time you actually get the courage to ask for support - there is so much more going on, than you could possibly explain in one simple post.

It is not my place to make judgements on your relationship.

One can play video games all day & be happily married - perhaps both partners like video games. So, based on what you have said, i won't say anything about your relationship.

What I think I can comment on, is YOU.

Regardless of whether house behaviour is judged as right or wrong - it's what you are experiencing internally that is all we can focus on.

@tyme suggested you call 1800respect. It took me years to do this. I didn't want to hear bad perceptions of person I loved, by complete stranger.

You need to be in right head side to do this

It ended up being different experience than I was expecting.

It was not criticizing other person. It was more about education & finally (FINALLY) having MY thoughts, feelings acknowledged, listened too.

No one can say if you and partner will make it. 10 years is long time.

Personally, I feel uncomfortable with your descriptions of his behaviour. I won't say more than that.

This isn't about his behaviour.

This is about you.

You have a right to feel happy.

Not (never) feel pressured to give him a back massage.

You want to have children.

This is beautiful.

Right now - he is non committal. For one person, that might be fine. From what you are expressing, it is causing you great distress.

The people at 1800respect are amazing.

Write checklist of things you have mentioned here, that are most distressing to you.

Talk to 1800respect.

They do not judge at all. In my experience, they do not encourage you to leave partner.

They work with you at helping you identify what your wants/needs are. - & what areas you are feeling upset, dismissed, not listened to by your partner.

You can call as much as you like. For me, I could be anonymous, or they could start a file on me, if I agreed. That way, all my info was already in system, & I didn't need to tell story over & over again (at least with them!)

I couldn't say enough good things about 1800respect. I am very shy (at times) I have difficulties with verbal communication, especially when I am stressed. The ladies understood without me having to explain. I think it's really about you - not him. I think that is what I am learning.

Yes, 10 years it takes courage to recognise & stand up and say 'I'm not ok with this.'

And you you did it, already here. Awesome accomplishment.👍

I'm proud of you @Miemie ♥️

Please continue to post

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