I lost a friend who meant a lot to me. He will not speak to me, and said some hurtful things.

My friend and I recently had a falling out, and it happened quite suddenly. I am at fault, and I made them upset. I did not realise how my depression was affecting others, and currently, because of this, I am trying to work on bettering myself. However, despite this, my friend still will not budge, or let me discuss the situation. He has blocked me on everything and cut off all communication.

My friend grew distant after he and my situationship started talking together with him, and I think it is because I had a hard time with it. I felt left out, which is not their fault because they tried their best, and I also discussed my feelings with my S/O, and she was very understanding and kind about it. I have anxiety and depression, and also ADHD, and so I often fear rejection, which sends me into a kind of psychotic episode.

This happened one night, and I did not say anything bad to him, I was just a bit self loathing and saying things like "I feel unwanted". This led to some very bad emotions that I often face, which I don't want to say to avoid triggering people. I did not tell him this. But, first, he messaged me and said he was going to be off our chat a bit. This was supposed to be him setting a boundary, which I should have recognised, but I have a hard time recognising stuff like that. I apologised, and kept sending reassuring messages, saying that I thought he was right and that I will try to be better, but he drew further away (this was over the space of one evening), until eventually he called me a person whose behaviour veers into emotionally abusive and manipulative territory, and then he blocked me.

I was shocked to hear this, and really very hurt by it because I was trying, and it made me re-examine myself. He and my S/O discussed it, and he told her some stuff which she then relayed as constructive criticism to me. I am currently working to improve myself so I don't put people through that again. I have begun journaling, and am working on making a doctor's appointment to review my medication dosage.

He and my S/O are still talking, and I am fine with it. I messaged him on a platform he hadn't blocked me on today and asked if we could talk, that I had been doing a lot of thinking and journaling, and if I could please have a chance to discuss it with him. He blocked me on that too without responding. Personally, I think this is a bit unfair because I am really trying, and a lot of people I have spoken too say that they don't think my behaviour is emotionally manipulative or abusive. This friendship ending really tore me up, especially in the way it happened, because I confided a lot with this friend about my fear of rejection and abandonment, only for it to end very very suddenly with little communication in this brutal way. I am trying to learn from this experience.

It has completely dismantled my perceptions of myself and I am trying to figure out who I am. I am very hurt, but realise it is more than partly my fault. I have been thinking about it constantly, those things he said about me, and I have been suffering everyday from them. I think about how many people I have hurt, and also I can't help but feel really angry that it ended that way. It really really hurts, I cannot get those words out of my head. I don't know how to live with myself anymore, and it has completely disrupted my life. I don't know what to do.