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Something’s not right

breaking the barrier of talking

breaking the barrier of talking

hi,

I've probably struggled with depression w/ social anxiety since I was little. I am now in my early 30s, so possibly 20 years on and off. I say 'probably' because I haven't been officially diagnosed by a professional but I have completed some of the online courses, and usually score mild-moderate on those scales. The courses have helped in the past; a bit, but I find it difficult to keep having to revisit it. I don't have the motivation right now to go back to do them.

I am in the position of knowing that this year could be one of the years I feel it more. I've been feeling more physically tired and emotionally drained lately. It's coming to my birthday and coming to a 'new year' and I feel like I have not achieved anything in life but I don't have goals. Contradictions.

I can still do my job well and hide it all behind a smile. So no one knows. But I'm starting to struggle to hide it. I'm still successful at hiding it at the moment cause when we discuss mental health month/struggles, my colleagues mention that I wouldn't be struggling with depression; though social anxiety comes out as a yes. I am a very shy quiet person in conversations.

There's a small part of me that wants to try and get professional help. But I can't bring myself to talk about it, or any feelings associated with it. I can write them down but I can't say it out loud. I feel like I will be wasting everyone's time if I do write it down but then can't talk about it.

I tried EAP as my work offers it but found I struggle to talk about it; even though it was over the phone and it was with someone who was hours away. I also realised during the EAP sessions that I feel crappy when I am on my own at home at night but when I'm working, distracted by conversations, I don't have those crappy feelings and so I don't know how to talk about them. My mind tells me that I'm a fraud just faking those crappy feelings cause I dont feel them 24/7.

how do you get past the hiding it? how do you get past the shame that i shouldnt be having these feelings/thoughts? how can i learn to talk about it?

If you've made it this far. Congrats and thanks for listening.

If you have any advice I would appreciate it. I may struggle to put it into action but there's a part of me that wants to try

Dee

6 replies

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In response to: breaking the barrier of talking

Re: breaking the barrier of talking

Hi thank you for sharing that's very brave of you and it can often help to talk about it. I am sure there will be some others on here that can relate. I know seeking professional help can be daunting, but it can also be a very positive experience. Thanks again for your courageous post 🙂

moderator Jazz

In response to: breaking the barrier of talking

Re: breaking the barrier of talking

Hi, @dee7

You asked,

"...how can i learn to talk about it? "

and the good news is - you just did.

Reaching out and sharing your story at places like this, and with others who have been in similar predicaments can be a great first step.

Though, in your case, it's more like a good second step, because it sounds like your first step was to take notice of your feelings, acknowledge them, and care enough about your wellbeing to want to learn more and to manage. So you engaged online resources to get a gauge on things... Good on you for that!

Believe it or not, Dee, it sounds like you're very much on the right path already to looking after yourself.

With that said, we do sometimes need help and support. And finding the right kind for our particular needs can be a long process in itself. I'd like to share a little of my experience with you, if I might..?

I am coming through some icky stuff at the moment that has left me quite overwhelmed with ptsd, anxiety, and depression. Truth be told, being a naturally sensitive and empathic person, I've always had a degree of anxiety bubbling within. Though it wasn't until life hit crisis point for me that I was no longer able to hold it all down - at which point I gave up the pretense (maybe thru sheer exhaustion) and was finally able to say outloud to someone: "I'm not ok..."

At that precise moment, life changed again. A new oddysey that has become my own healing journey. It's not been easy and I've far, yet, to go... but without asking for and receiving help along the way, I doubt I'd be here talking to you now...

Along with forums like these, and connecting with others here, you might consider having a chat with your gp? You may not feel like talking, but you can just show them the post you've shared here, if you'd rather.. I've done that before, a few times. It can be easier that way...

From there your gp can get you started on a mental health plan that can result in getting you connected with other supports, like counsellors, psychologists, what have you.

Just some food for thought...

All the best. And stay in touch, OK. 🙏

In response to: Re: breaking the barrier of talking

Re: breaking the barrier of talking

@Kyle1 thanks for your perspective. I forget that trying to get better even if it's online course/on my own is a good thing. I see it as bring stubborn and being too afraid of judgment from people. Sharing on here is one step further than just journaling about it.

Talking to a gp about it isn't something i've really considered. I dont have a consistent gp and i feel like such a fraud that I feel this way. Showing them this post could be something I could do, I've just got to convince myself its worth the anxiety and all the feelings

thank you for sharing your story. sorry to hear that it's been icky lately for you. Being an empathic person is tiring, but I can see that you have a light shining within you. You're really good at communicating. I am glad you were able to reach out and get help

In response to: Re: breaking the barrier of talking

Re: breaking the barrier of talking

Thanks for the reply @jazz perhaps one day i can experience the positives that comes with asking for help

In response to: Re: breaking the barrier of talking

Re: breaking the barrier of talking

you can do this @dee7 ✌️

In response to: breaking the barrier of talking

Re: breaking the barrier of talking

Hi @dee7 , I have found close friends and family to be good discussion partners as well as friendly GPs and psychologists. I feel that discussing mental health challenges with work colleagues is risky.

People you are genuinely close to will not be judgemental. We are social creatures and supporting each other is a necessary part of our society.

It’s great that you’ve identified that masking your true feelings is becoming a burden. You can start to take some early steps now to process how you feel and figure out a sustainable way forwards.

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