Feeling heartbroken and trapped in marriage

Hi @Laurencar

Welcome to the forums 🙂 It's nice to have you here and thank you for sharing your experiences. I admire the way you have reached out.

We are standing right by you. You are not alone 💗

I can hear how much you are going through and struggling with. You have verbalised your needs to leave but it sounds like there is a lot of worry you are carrying around this. I encourage you to reach out to https://www.1800respect.org.au/ or Call 1800 737 732. They can offer some steps you can take to stay safe and protect yourself and your children as well as speak with a professional. Here you can search for a DFV service in your area: https://www.respect.gov.au/services/.

I am curious around what kind of supports you have in place to take care of yourself. Do you have much in the way of professional mental health support? Taking care of yourself is so important, I am sending many hugs your way 💛

You don't deserve to be alone in this.

Please keep an eye out for your emails, we want to be here for you 💖

fluffylight x

Thank you so much for the support. When I attempted I was put in touch with a DV worker after counselling but I don’t want to think like that as he has never hit me. He can be very aggressive and high stressed and he has broken household objects before and been in many fist fights, especially due to jealousy, but he has never been violent with me or our kids. When he is good, he’s amazing! But he has many demons (broken family, alcoholism, violence, tough love) and he doesn’t want to face them or seek any help. He and his entire family just brush over conflict and pretend it never happened.
im seeing a trusted psychologist who I’ve known for 5 years and have had community health psychiatric care as well as community family centre care. I’ve also been referred, along with my daughter, to see a psychiatrist for medication for ADHD and psychologist has recommended all of us get tested but I can’t get an appointment anywhere and it’s far too expensive anyway. If I had the money and support, I would leave tomorrow. I still feel love for him though and all we’ve been through which is what is holding me back I think

Hey @Laurencar I can understand you not wanting to think that way of someone you love so much. Something to know is that most definitions of family violence extend beyond physical violence, ad include the emotional side of things as well. Also, even if it does fall under the definition of family violence, it doesn't automatically mean you need to leave him, or that things are beyond repair. As you say, it sounds like he is experiencing a lot of mental health issues, and it is concerning that he is refusing to seek treatment for himself. If that's the case, then it is less likely that things are going to improve for him and for your relationship.

I think it might still be worth seeking some counselling, and calling 1800respect is a good place to start. You can also read some more about FV here, and about emotional abuse here, to help you better understand what might apply and what isn't relevant to your situation. You say you feel trapped, and so even if there's no physical violence occurring, it doesn't mean you're not suffering and deserving of the ability to leave if you need to.

Hey @Laurencar

I read your post yesterday and went to reply to it, but got pulled away by my daughter and then the day was over!
I felt a lot of sadness while reading your post and feel your brokenness.
Only you can decide whether it is time to leave, but you certainly have a lot of reason to up and leave. Like @Jynx said domestic violence isn’t just physical. This is something that I struggled with for a long time in my own marriage breakdown. I never called it DV cause my ex was never violent towards me, but he certainly was emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive. To this day it’s still hard to acknowledge.

I was very unhappy in my marriage for ages. We weren’t together for as long as you have been, only a couple of years, but I was unhappy for the majority of it. Very quickly after we got married I learnt that I really didn’t know who he was. He certainly wasn’t the person that he lead me to believe. We tried to work things out, but he didn’t want to change and I couldn’t bare to stay any longer being so unhappy.

There is definitely support for single mums. Centrelink payments. I’d really encourage you to seek some legal advice, go to legal aid if you can and have a good talk with them. Take note of the balance of bank accounts, think about superannuation, do you own a house, cars.

Id also really encourage you to get some support for your mental health. You deserve the support and it sounds like you really need it at the moment. It would also look favourably that you are seeking support.

I am terrified that my ex will find out about my mental health and use it against me. I’ve struggled for a couple of years with it and have made a number of attempts. Thankfully he is none the wiser and I have alot of support from family and the community mental health team and other organisations. But it does play on my mind alot and I am very cautious of what I say to my daughter (she is 8). If I’m in hospital it’s for other reasons.

I know there are alot of other things to take into consideration for you and factors that complicate things further for you (his sister!! Gosh!!). But seek some support and advice.
And sometimes having a happy mum is more important than having mum and dad under the same roof. I so desperately wanted to work things out with my ex cause I didn’t want my daughter growing up in a broken home, but she is far better off with a mum that is happy (most of the time outside of my mental health) than mum and dad always fighting.

please take care

Dear @Laurencar ,

I am sorry to hear of your experiences, it seems you've been dealing with so much in this situation and I am sorry to hear it is affecting your physical health as well - as if even the body is now screaming.

I am sorry to hear you have not receive much support nor understanding along the way and why you wouldn't want to think you might be in a DV situation - it's confronting as no one wants to be seen as a 'victim'. DV is not just about the physical abuse - it's also about emotional/psychological, medical (refusing to provide medical support, medication, ect...), financial, sexual abuse in the marriage, coercive control, isolation - so in the end you are totally dependent on him/them. Using the children to 'get at you' is another however this impacts the well-being and health of children as well.

@Laurencar, it's important to remember that no matter what anyone tells you - you are the expert of your life and your situation. Please take care of your safety - talking to a DV counsellor could help to gain your strength but also to gain a different perspective. Many women attempt to leave a DV situation up to 21 times before they actually do. It's not easy and the reason why many chose to stay is usually for the children, or that it's not safe to leave. There are many obstacles placed in front of women and this has to be acknowledged.

As one of the other supporters mentioned - it's good to seek legal advice. The DV line might be a good start for counselling but also for advice on legal stuff; in NSW we also have the Women's Legal Service NSW for legal support in tricky situations; they are always busy so you might need to be persistent.

Collect as much information as possible before deciding what to do. With support and counselling, you might be able to stay and leaving should be entirely your decision. You might need to make sure your private phone, tablet, laptop and/or email addresses are only accessible by you.

Reaching to specialist DV counselling will help you manage the overwhelming stress and then you will be able to make more informed decisions - look at the Womens Centers in your state - they usually provide such support.

I hope this was helpful. Please, don't lose hope.

I can see you are already doing so much to improve this situation and you have a lot to deal with.

I know you are already doing so much so please take this suggestion with a grain of salt. You could start taking small steps to move towards independence. Perhaps work one day a week and then slowly build up over time.

I completely understand you checking to see what communications are taking place between your husband and his family. The content of the conversations between your husband and his sister is shocking and very harmful to you. Even though it can feel like better the devil you know - you do know what they are capable of now. I was in this situation myself. Once I knew what was going on I started protecting yourself from any nasty interactions and avoided checking up my husband.