JustMe48Senior Contributor
If I could give you two words ... "keep fighting" ...
The past few months, I have been on the other end of a mental health journey with my mother. For years she has struggled with it and for years she refused to accept it and do anything about it whilst in the process sacrificing relationships, both family and outside the family. I have struggled so much throughout my life trying to understand my mum, trying to help her and, as I got older, advise her down some pathways. Now, unfortunately for me, my mum was the "You don't know what you're talking about, you've never been there ..." kind of person and so any advice hit deaf ears, BUT what she didn't realise was, my upbringing and being around that depression, anxiety and somewhat rejection had left me with my own demons. I never told her this because I wanted to fix her and fixing her meant fixing me.
It meant (in my fantasy world) getting my mum back or what I thought a mum should be, not just when she had good days, but every day. I needed guidance and a mum to solve some of my issues, but I ended up a mum to her. It fit because I loved her more than she ever realised, but she just never seemed to want to listen and that was exhausting. She often said "You're my rock" and that was enough for me, that made me feel loved, she needed me and valued me, but eventually, I couldn't cope and hence, for anyone that has read my previous posts, I escaped 10,000 miles away to Australia from the UK. From the moment I landed, it was like taking my first breath and my life made sense. It was a fresh start and time to work on me. Some 13 years later, I am a different person. I have no mental health issues, no anxiety, no nothing, just a very wonderful family of my own and I'm a fantastic mother. This could have only happened because of the separation I put between me and my old life and I am forever grateful to myself and proud for doing so.
Now, where was this story going? The last I posted, circa. 2 weeks ago, was when my mum was kind of between hospitalisation and transitioning back home with community care. My mum has now refused point blank to take any help, not engaging with hospital professionals, doesn't want to put effort into anything, lashing out, aggressive, constantly trying to escape the unit and "You're all just hurting me! There's nothing wrong with me!". She's gone from BPD, which she has always had in my opinion, to full on psychosis because she just won't accept any of it and her now brain, has shutdown to anything that resembles help. We've been told just in the last 24 hours that she will be moved to a psychiatric unit and then onto a mental health institution and there is NO going back. She will NEVER be home again. My dad is devastated. My poor dad who's been through years of ups and downs and denial has now been floored by the reality of it all. And me, I have had all these mixed feelings towards her of hate, resentment and just wanting it to go away and now, this closure, has made it so real and I grieve so much for a mother I could have had and always wanted, IF SHE HAD JUST LISTENED AND TAKEN THE HELP 20 YEARS AGO!
I am sad for her, I am angry for her, I am overwhelmed with sitting here thinking "I could have picked this 25 years ago and no-one listened, not one of you! Not her, not family, no-one! She played you all at times, she made herself a victim, she almost wanted to be ill so people would surround her ... she ... she ..." and now, LOOK NOW! The rest of her life institutionalised! Is this what she wanted?
So, moral of the story and I know mental health is a huge thing, but anyone that is going through similar things and needing the motivation to push on, please ... PLEASE ... follow this story and when someone says "Get help, help yourself and make changes" ... LISTEN! It's not just about you, it's about everyone that surrounds you. We all lose, not just you. PLEASE, just keep fighting! There's a future out there, bright, fun and needing you in it. Don't leave a daughter (or anyone for that matter) heartbroken because you knew best. If I can get through to one person to help themselves and know that they are valued, worth it and deserve a good life, that would be the ultimate gift for me.
@tyme
