Well thats done

I have lodged my application and its been accepted, Im officially bankrupt. Ive got my number and confirmation email, the whole lot. Its been a long time in the works, Ive put it off for ages. Initially when I got notification I was hit by complete relief. It was like a massive weight was lifted, I literally felt lighter.

That feeling didnt last long, the feeling of failure rapidly replaced the feeling of relief. I dont know what it was but when I told Dad that I had finally lodged my application for bankruptcy, his response wasnt what I expected. I dont know what I expected, but it felt like he was disappointed, which he might have been by I interpreted it as disappointment with me. Which I was annoyed about, because what else was I supposed to do. Even getting into my situation, what else was I supposed to do, somehow I was supposed to keep my head above water with little to no support. Not just no support but it would appear that I was sabotaged. To add to it all, the support given to my sister though a similar situation and before hand. I feel like I was pretty much hung out to dry. Even now, we are down to one car, I was driving Mums car and she was finally standing up and backing me a little. I was going to keep driving her car rather than having to borrow more money to buy another car, then maintain that and get even further behind the 8 ball. Now Mums car is all banged up, it might be written off even if it isnt its going to be ages before its on the road again. So Dad figured he would buy another car, a cheap car to help get us by. Turns out what he means is Ill buy you a car, like I had intended, to get us by. My thought would have been to get a decent car and when Mums car was fixed or replaced then he could sell the cheap car. It would be better than his other idea of renting a car.

Anyhow, off track, I felt like he was disappointed in me, that I have failed, more so failed him. I have been up against incredible odds, my medical costs are enormous, I have serious mental health issues, its not like I am the same as the guy next door. I dont see the world the same, not even close. I struggle with some stuff that others just dont. I dont percieve money etc the same as most, I cant keep track of things like others and so far I havent been able to work a way to do so or overcome those short comings. Even going bankrupt doesnt free up money, I wasnt paying those bills so its not like I have more money available.

Im happy that the application has been accepted and its now official but I dont think on the emotional front on the non-financial front, its not over and I feel like its not going to be for a long time, if ever.