And again

I am very sick.

My meds are no longer working. Severe depression and suicidality are overwhelming.

I am in no danger of physical self harm as my prohibition for this behaviour is still active, but the compulsion is maddening.

My thoughts and feelings are very destructive. Flashbacks, dissociative episodes, tics, melancholia, suppressed energy levels, nightmares, severe anxiety, self hate, isolation, some self harm, cognitive dissonance and confusion.

I can barely express myself. severe lethalogica gets in the way. My intellect is dulled.

Since December I have felt a waning of control as my new medication has begun losing it's efficacy. The distress is becoming more pronounced and a sense of hopelessness and defeat is ascendant. I really do not want to keep living. I am so very tired of this.

actually having a prohibition for suicidal behaviour is making things more unbearable. I have mapped and planned my death in great detail but because I am a father I cannot follow through. I cannot traumatise my daughter in such a way.

I have'nt spoken to anyone in three weeks. I can't answer the phone. I have given up on the job front and I will not be presenting at the mental health conference. I am isolating myself. I cannot stop.

Even writing this is a strain. finding words is difficult.

I'm not looking for sympathy, just informing. I have recieved an email from Sane asking if I'm ok. I'm not.

Living alone is excaserbating symptomology. And in many ways I hope I continue to degrade and eventually lose my perspective altogther. I can't even bathe.

I don't really understand why I'm writing this. I hope it is not an attention seeking device. I don't know though.

I'm sorry if it is.

Just can't write anymore, thoughts are too ephemeral. Can't lock them down in words.

Sorry

Hi Rick,

I’m sorry to hear things have gone down hill for you.

Remember, little steps add up, like coming on here and posting. It took a lot of courage to write what you did.

Have you spoken to your psychologist or psychiatrist about your medication?

I have no doubt that once members see this post, you will receive a lot of support, advice and encouragement. I hope you see that as a reflection of the how much people here care for you, and not let the illness make it mean something else. I know in the past, this has shut you down a bit, but please, try and be open to it, or at the very least, just sit with it.

Please, if things do get worse, call one of the crisis numbers:

Lifeline 13 11 14 or crisis chat

Suicide call back 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Mensline 1300 78 99 78 or online or video counselling

My hope for you endures

Dearest @Rick

It's so good to hear from you. I was getting very worried, and it sounds like there was good reason to be so.

Letting us know how you are when you're so unwell isn't attention-seeking my friend. It's just telling it like it is. It sounds horrendous, especially the meds stopping working. What does George think?

I won't write a long post because you won't have the head-space from the sounds of it.

I do want you to know that we will hold you in our thoughts and prayers through this time. We all ( @kato @peace @PeppiPatty @Alessandra1992 @NikNik @CherryBomb @Loopy and the rest - the @ function won't let me name everyone) really care about you, please hold on to those anchors - your daughter's need for you to live - until this passes.

Even when in tatters - hope endures...

Keep taking care of you my friend, as best you can.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

@Rick

Hi Rick, there's not much I can do but to let you know how, at times, your words, amongst others have helped pulled me out of a mess.

Your supportive words have gone straight into me like an arrow and gave me a chance to poise for reflection.

I am sorry you are having a less than well time. It can be so depressing just getting through the process.

You know, I had the most terrible childhood physical and sexual abuse imaginable and found the hardest thing was letting go of one of the sentiments in that I deserved it. Well, victims never deserve it.

I don't know if medication ever fixes those issues and thoughts which seem to have locked onto our DNA. I find its a matter of riding it out, in my case at the MHU or one of the crisis units at the hospital.

For me, medication can dull some of the thoughts and emotions but at the same time inhibit the healing process. Its not a salve for me, just part of a holistic self protection strategy.

I makes sure I am in a safe situation, and then I try to recoup from there.

What a wonderful thing it would be if it were not possible for grownups to do terrible things to children.

Reading some of the posts makes me realise how insignificant my personal issues are compared to others who are really battling. I envy your strength.

Every so often I think we lapse back into realities of our previous experiences, harrowing as it might be, distressing as it is, and overwhelmingly crushing.

I hope you continue to seek support from the forum and that it helps you get through this difficult period.