I am a man and I don't matter.

Trigger Warning: Abuse

Abandonment, rejection and betrayal. These are the core elements of how I have been treated all my life. Now in my late 40's I am in a very deep, very hopeless hole. I am a sincere person, I don't like attention, I don't embellish or exaggerate but experience has shown me that when I share a fragment of my life to someone, they either don't believe me or remain indifferent. Then come the tropes and cliches. Or, because I shared 1 square meter of my million squared hectare past, they think they know me and understand. The most accurate way of knowing if someone is truly interested in you as a person is, they will ask you questions. 99% of people never ask, they either remain awkwardly, uncomfortably silent (time to change the subject and put on a cherry disposition), or they will impose on you their opinion. Their ignorant, useless, non factual opinion or, they will try to relate with their own story of the time they had this done to them once, or how their (insert person they know here) had similar or worse....blah, blah f**king blah. In saying that, think long and hard what you are going to type, if you feel the need to reply.

At age 3 or 4 one of my earliest, if not the earliest memories I have of my grandnotmother was of her being antagonistic to me. Zero reason. This individual was highly instrumental in breaking my parents apart by age 5. By age 7 I was incredibly weary of her. My researched best estimate is that she was either NPD or at least highly narcissistic. The psychological warfare she enacted upon me rips me up when I think how someone could do such things to a child, how someone could treat a child with such utter contempt. She was highly controlling and manipulative, having what is commonly understood as a co-dependent relationship with my mother although, years later I looked at it more as a symbiotic relationship. Something that later cycled down to occur between my younger brother and my notmother.

My notmother, I am confident, was BPD with high levels of narcissism. Possibly grandiose NPD with high levels of BPD, it's hard to say for sure, but she (as well as g'notmother) met all 9 criteria for NPD, whilst notmother only met 6 out of 9 for BPD. Needless to say home life was tumultuous, I liken my notmother to a walking tornado, she left destruction everywhere she went. I would jokingly ascribe the Loony Tunes character Tasmanian Devil to her, when trying to describe her to friends. Taz would move everywhere in a tornado tearing through everything until he stopped for those unaware of whom I am alluding to, leaving a massive path of destruction behind him.

Between the ages of 5 to 8/9 I was notmother's support at home. The man of the house if you will, with a false burden of responsibility. I could never be a child, let alone myself and was oft yelled at to "GROW UP!!" by NM and GNM and sometimes extended family. I loved and looked after my younger brother as best I could whilst also attending to notmother's needs. During this time GNM (Grandnotmother) was often present, continually throwing out landmines, of which I often blundered into. I was gas-lit, projected upon, slandered, abused, controlled, domineered over, yelled at, maligned, blamed, falsely accused and so forth. This was always, where possible met with resistance from me. However children are not great at articulating themselves, then throw in adrenaline and well...

Enter at ages 8/9 my soon to be stepnotdad.

Between these 3, GNM, NM and SNM, my life at home was akin to a hostage situation.

What I have shared is one square centimeter of my million square hectare past. The abuse continued well into adulthood and my NM even managed one last swipe at me, significantly damaging me, from beyond the grave. In short, I found out my NM had died after she was buried and the funeral had happened and that my younger brother, got EVERYTHING (albeit within receiving his own version of abuse from NM) of the estate. An uncle (whom I had very little do with ever), my brother and my NM had conspired to keep any inheritance from me, by putting it all in a trust and they did a good job too. I got a very small %, maybe 5% as that was the only area they stuffed up, I was entitled to something, but that's all the lawyers could do. My NM died in October 2019. Growing up due to their symbiotic relationship, the majority of time and resources went to my younger brother. I was working at age 12 and using that money to buy food at school. My entitled, narcissistic brother, had everything given to him growing up and was still living with NM at the time of her death at age 42. I left home my senior year of high school...

6 days later I had to put one of my dogs down. 1 week later I tried to take a day off to attempt some sort of processing (I was driving 50T tankers), and called in sick. This infuriated a particularly nasty manager who phoned me up berating me even though I was doing things by the book. 2 weeks after that I received a "Gross Misconduct for abusing sick days" notice. In 2 and a half years I had taken 3 sick days. One for a minor surgery, the second was to bury my dog and the third was the one he didn't like. In all my working life I've never so much as had a verbal warning and now I'm getting this bullsh**. I had no mental or emotional capacity to fight this bullsh** charge and listened to my wife and a workplace counselor that told me to quit. Writing this now is infuriating me. All I needed was some support. Fight this and we'll fight with you. But no.

Finally for the first time in my life in 2021 I got to speak to a psychologist. I fought the psychiatrist, every step of the way as he was only interested in throwing pills at me. The only reason I relented was because my wife was a psyche nurse and I trusted her, but in the end I was proven correct. The pills did sweet FA for me. The talk therapy (psychologist) was the most helpful. Throughout the year I saw him maybe 20 times and it wasn't that he offered any insight (I am and have always been a very deep, reflective person and work a lot out my self), he understood me. He actually was an intelligent person and understood me. At the end of our 2nd 1 hour session he assessed that I may be ADHD. This was not what I wanted to hear and didn't accept this. During our 3rd session he went a bit deeper asking questions about school and early life, outside the home. Ok, so now I see that yes I certainly have mild symptoms. A lot of how I was/am makes a bit of sense. Still not satisfied, I researched myself. I conclude I am indeed neuro-divergent but I am not ADHD (nor Autistic). I know now that childhood trauma manifests in very similar symptoms, as well as having unique, non-ADHD symptoms. Emotional dis-regulation is very real for me. Due to the fact that GNM nurtured anger in me (she would literally wind me up as a child until I exploded in a ball of rage and then she would scoff and tell me I'm full of demons with a micro expression of contempt, that FU**ING smirk, on her face), and the fact that the only emotion I feel is grief and anger, I know things aren't as they should be.

January 2022. I leave home for 6 days. I do this because I am giving my wife time to think about things. Almost one year to the day earlier, January 2021, whilst I was in respite (something again I was resistant to but relented under pressure from my case manager and my psyche nurse wife), my wife allegedly attempted suicide. I say allegedly because, I can only go by what my wife described and at the time I had no reason to not believe her. However since, I have reasoned she said what she knew would get her committed. I was less than 5 mins drive from home at the time. I still to this day have not received a satisfactory explanation from anyone, why she did this. She ended up over 4 hours away in a psyche ward. I hadn't started therapy yet and was in a right state. I would ride my bike the 4 hours to see her, I was having flowers and comfort baskets made up for her and trying to keep her positive. I was scared. One day I was riding up and pulled over to have a break and there was a text from her saying the doctor might not let me see her today. Um, what? Why? Again, secrecy. I was beginning to get suspicious over all this.

Back to Jan 2022 and I now return home. Wife is not there. My 11mo old puppy is gone, the cat is gone. I check the bank account over half is gone. The last time I saw and spoke to my wife was when I hugged her and told her to be safe as I departed for 6 days. She abandoned the marriage. She abandoned me. I've never heard from her since. 10 days after her departure I received a letter from a lawyer and I've dealt with him since. We are now legally separated and in 4 months time I will be filing for divorce. 15 years. 15 years I supported that woman, I loved her, I trusted her and I 100% gave myself to her. She betrayed me more than all the other betrayals combined and I couldn't work out why. It was a phone counselor that worked it out.

When I married her I 100% stood by my vows. I meant every word. I did all I could to give her what I was able. She was also the only person in my entire life that I FREELY, gave myself to 100%. No barriers, no walls. Anyone else that had access to me was by default and I hid myself from everyone as best I could growing up and into adulthood. Masking. Now, because I was my true self, I feel so very, utterly foolish. I feel ripped off that she was able to have that from me. In contrast my wife, despite being in a safe, loving environment, where I listened, lead, loved her for her and so forth, never was open with me. I respected her and never pushed. I accepted her.

All the ingredients were there for a successful lasting marriage. After 15 years I told her. I have nothing left in my tank to give you. I am exhausted, you've given me nothing back, this has not been a reciprocating relationship and I need you to pull your head out of your ass. So she, like all cowards chose to run. Well f**k her and f**k you too if you think there was any abuse or anything untoward and it was my fault because not only was she revered, I have already (as you do when you're a scapegoat) beaten myself up over the potential mistakes I made. But that's the difference between men and women in general. Men take accountability for themselves, women don't and she never did. I am acutely aware of my shortcomings, my flaws, my weaknesses but I am also just as aware of my strengths and I can say my strengths out weigh my flaws by 10:1.

If I were not so resilient, I would be dead or, in prison. My life has been continual adversity and it has been walked mostly alone. I have no trouble making friends, but these days can't be bothered, people are so vapid and vacuous. Now I have returned to Australia this year from NZ, I was born in Vic but am now living in Qld, and I have struggled to find help, I have struggled to find work, I am homeless and jobless and I live in physical pain from past injuries as well as this mental injury I carry. I have never had a victim mentality, I have always looked for opportunity and found silver linings in the storm. But this is my last effort to reach out and try and connect with an appropriate professional. I know I have a lot of potential, despite being introverted, I am not socially inept in fact I am a confident introvert, happy, joyful and warm with a good sense of humour. But people think because I'm easy going and cheerful that I am weak. So they don't respect my boundaries. I have no tolerance left anymore for that so I will lash out in anger. Then people go all strange because I'm not the (masked) cheerful guy, I'm angry. Woah bro no need for such hostility...Well, what part of f**king no did you not understand the first 10 times I responded cheerfully?? People mistake kindness for weakness and I am not weak. But I am f**king angry.

Well, that is 1/1000000 part of my story. If someone knows a good place where someone will actually listen and at least pretend they care I'm all ears. Otherwise, all the best on your own journeys, probably won't hear from me again.