R U OK Day. What do I do after I say I'm not OK

Hi @Jlol

I agree that it is confusing. I find most people who ask don't know what to say to me if I say I'm not ok. It does cue that awkward silence. I just get to the point where I just say I'm fine. Much easier for them.

It shouldn't be that way, so I will ask.

Are you ok?

@Jlol, yet again you and I find ourselves on the same page.

R U OK Day is a half-a**ed initiative, geared towards the 'healthy' general public rather then suffering people. It offers only the most superficial guidance to regular people - hence frequently leading to the awkward silences you mention, since the R U OK campaign gives these people absolutely no advice on how to proceed once they receive the common sort of response that you are likely to give. And it offers no guidance whatsoever to us suffering people as to how to communicate with the people around us in a way that they will understand and that will be productive for us.

I've written to their staff several times, as a sufferer, asking about how I'm supposed to communicate with 'normal' people, and they have no answers for me. Basically, I've been told that: "the R U OK campaign is about raising awareness in the general community, not about helping suffering people to communicate with the rest of the world."

Raising awareness. That's all well and good. But I've an idea that the R U OK campaign may have created more problems then it's solved. As you indicate, there's an inconvienience and/or unpleasantness about being bombarded with that "R U OK?" question at work, college, or school; especially when you, the sufferer, know exactly where those superficial inquiries are going to lead - nowhere! ...Or to the age-old chestnut of: "maybe you should see a therapist?" I've met scores of people across the internet who always pull a sickie on R U OK day and quaratine themselves at home, just so they can avoid all that nuisance. R U OK day has made life more difficult and unbearable for many - even if for only one day a year.

I can't fault the R U OK day founders for creating an initiative that had some unforeseen bugs in it. We're all human. But by this point it's really starting to feel like the bridge crew have abandoned ship, and left the rest of us barrelling down the ill-fated course they set us on. The faults and glaring inadequacies of the campaign are well known by this point, but there's been no shift in the nature of the campaign, despite it's still-high profile and no doubt substantial government & donation funding. No fresh guidance offered for how to manage the common dead-end conversations that you alluded to. No guidance whatsoever for the suffering people as to how to overcome their communication stumbling blocks with others. No attempts whatsoever to minimize the hassle of sufferers who have to endure a dozen "R U OK"s during that day, from people who don't know what else to say after they've done their duty and asked that question.

Yeah... R U OK Day... I don't care for it. Not so much it's intentions; but it's lousy execution and maintainance. As I say, I suspect it's doing more dammage then good.

Thanks @Snowie

Since you asked, no, I'm not ok.

I am in the midst of a relationship ending. It had to happen - we are both too different and we both have mental health issues, me: Complex-PTSD and depression, her: anxiety and (according to my therapist) narcissism. I'm not going to play the victim but I have been told that I was on the receiving end of a psychologically abusive relationship. Towards the end I - my body - was getting rashes whenever I felt the slightest indication of an argument on the horizon. I felt so out of control I started [edited by moderator] just so, in a weird way, I could feel in control of something.

So, I now have the added stress of finding out where to go, where to sleep, how to get my stuff, etc. But those thoughts are kind of on hold. Because what I feel right now is that I am damned evil.

I feel evil for this reason (sorry, I might have posted this story here before): my partner wanted to have children. We are both in our late 30s and for her it's now or never to get pregnant. I was on the fence with children, somewhat because of my own fears and issues, somewhat because I always knew there was something wrong with the relationship. I honestly did try to want to be a parent, but I could just never bring myself to commit. And so whenever the topic would come up I'd defer it and kick the can down the road. I delayed for a long time, partly because I was trying to convince myself and thought I needed more time, and partly because the arguments we had about it were so intense I would just agree to try again soon just to make them stop (typical C-PTSD response).

What I'm left with now is a huge amount of guilt. I should've been stronger sooner and ended the relationship so she could go and find someone else who would have a family with her. I felt like I lead her on. And now I am worried I have ruined her chances of parenthood. We both had our issues, but I should have been stronger.

There is also a bit of sadness for myself. I'm getting older now and most of my friends I grew up with have children. It seems I am so damaged, and having missed that age bracket, this might not be a possibility for me. I find myself grieving the loss of the children we never had.

And the world at this age is so...empty now. All my old friends have their kids, spouses and families now and no one has the time to catch up anymore. I've been reaching out but no one wants to hang out anymore. One moment I was hanging with my mates, going to festivals, celebrating peoples birthdays - any excuse for us all to catch up. Now I'm sleeping on a couch wondering where I'll be next week and lonely as all hell. How could I have f*cked all this up so badly?

Hey @Jlol ,

Thanks for sharing and being so honest and transparent about what has been going on for you. It sounds like such a difficult place to be in.

I'm sorry to hear that this relationship didn't go well. I'm hearing that you feel a lot of guilt around not having children, and you feel you 'lead her on'? It must be so hard to have this guilt on your shoulders. Yet at the same time, was she ready to have children? We may never be able to answer these questions - an that's okay.

I hope you find space to get some clarity around what's best for you at this time.

It sounds like you are a very thoughtful person and when the relationship didn't feel 'right', you felt it not the time to bring children into the world.

Now, I hope there's space for you to recover and put yourself first in this.

As I read your post, I really felt I was walking in your road. It felt very real to me.

Please know you are not alone. Strive to move forward and make progress. I acknowledge it's hard to get up sometimes, but the longer you wait, the harder it can get.

We are with you.

Please take care,

tyme

@Jlol I'm not having kids, for several reasons (mental health, financial cost, and the sheer amount of effort and energy it takes). I have the same problem with friends having young families and barely seeing them, but you know what? They are busy with their family and they never get to see me either. Do I want to be busy with my own family and hang out with whoever my kids go to school with? Uhh.. not really. I'd much rather find some community groups or volunteer work I'm actually interested in - and that's exactly what I'm doing. I liked the idea of having kids but now having seen how much work it is, I no longer do.

I would say that if you're not BOTH 100% committed, don't do it. So you've done the right thing. You are beating yourself up for not being strong enough to end things sooner, but your (ex?) partner needs to share the blame too. Even if I did want kids desperately, I wouldn't even consider it unless I had a partner that was 100% on board. If it was so important and the clock was ticking, they could have ended things way earlier too. In my opinion they were really foolish to pressure you and wait for you to change your mind. That's not the way to do it.

People quite commonly have this sort of thing that comes to a head, they break up, and suddenly a year later they've found someone they click with and already pregnant. Has happened to one of my friends. You haven't ruined anyone's chance.. it was a learning experience for both of you about what to look for next time.