AoifeCasual Contributor
CPTSD
Come from a background where both parents were abusive narcissists. Not one person in my childhood tried to help in any way. Jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Married an abusive narcissist. Partner is considered almost a saint in my community and know that l would never be believed if l tried to tell the truth of my situation.. lve never been able to get a job or any education after marriage because my partner would see that as a threat. My partner uses my mental illness as proof that l am incompetent and stupid. l think alot of people feel sorry for him having to put up with someone like me. My community and my family have absolutely no respect for me. lm treated like lm a second class citizen in my own home. The only reason l can write on here is that nobody cares enough about me to monitor what l do online. Nobody cares about what l think and as long as l stay silent and have no opinions l can read what l like. lm invisible. lm learning how to stay invisible but to stay sane. lm a Quaker and it is a very introspective way of interacting with the world. l listen to people and treat them with respect but am unable to really interact. It's been a strange life. After escaping parents but before meeting partner l did a double Masters degree in law and psychology. l wanted to be a Criminologist and to help victims like me. Met husband and was conned. He told me very clearly and precisely how l would be murdered if l ever stepped out of line. l haven't stepped out of line because his plan is brilliant. So here l am. l do have a diagnosis of C-PTSD. l have talked about my childhood extensively to a psychiatrist. lm on medication which is beneficial. lve even had ECT which again was helpful. lve even been to psychiatric hospitals and have learned skills which make my day to day livable. Everyday is a battle though. l am always on a hundred percent alert. If l put a foot wrong or say the wrong thing l could end up dead. l had so many near misses and have no idea how l am even alive. Husband has a massive and vicious temper and am always trying to make everything calm to keep him calm. Its hard work. My anxiety levels have had a massive impact on my health. lm still having surgeries to correct injuries which occurred in childhood. lve had pain issues related to my injuries. l have to massively underplay my injuries because husband thinks they are trivial and does not like hearing me complain. He is a doctor BTW and is massively controlling with who treats me and what gets done. lve had brilliant treatment but he is always involved. He checked me out of rehab for a shoulder replacement in April saying he would take care of me. He just went off to work and left me at home with my whole arm strapped. Couldn't cook anything or do much at all. l did not manage well at all. But if l had of complained all he'll would have broke loose. l really fear ill health because partner has no empathy and my opinion does not matter to him. l don't even know why l am writing this because nobody cares and why should they. Nobody has ever thought l was worth saving. Perhaps there is something so unlikeable about me that l deserve this. l don't think anybody deserves this but what would a nothing like me know.
