Is there such a thing as mild suicidal thoughts?

I’m wiped out.

I went into the office for work today. Work was tiring.

I just want to take one phone call at a time and deal with the call in front of me. However, so many calls involve follow-ups, with other areas of the business and with clients calling up a second and third time.

One of the most frustrating parts of the job is when a client thinks that you’re their contact in the business. So you’re trying to do your job and you get a message saying “hey, I’ve got […] on the line. She doesn’t want to repeat herself, so she only wants to speak to you. Did you want me to transfer her?”

No, in fact.

I mean I’m happy to be there for clients, but I’m not used to case-managing them… it’s a lot to keep track of.

I had a really heavy fast-food lunch and I had an extremely small amount of alcohol before leaving. I’m surprised at the effect it had on me. Maybe because I was already tired?

From what I know, these thoughts started a couple of days ago.

I saw a video of a radio host speaking to a caller who was thinking of taking his own life. He ends up calling the emergency services and they find him, with the radio host determining his location and appearance. However, the full show is not available. I’ve seen a two-minute excerpt of the conversation.

This is what I don’t get. Why do people hide suicide? I don’t think it’s fair that someone’s last words to their friends and the general public get taken down because it’s upsetting. Like the deceased WANTS to have it out there…

So I found a few videos of at-length, radio hosts saving their listeners from a crisis. I’m surprised it’s so freaking common, but it just goes to show, suicide and thoughts of suicide are pretty common in general. I haven’t watched them yet. Right now I feel awful, just from fatigue.

I was a little teary, upset on the bus home and my suicidal thoughts got a little bit more specific.

I got two baby nieces and an eight-year-old nephew. If I take my life, I’m teaching them that it’s OK. Indirectly, of course. But why it would be hard for them to justify staying alive through their own struggles, because I wasn’t able to survive my own.

When I get home, I found that my Mum made me my favourite dinner… and I wasn’t even hungry. I ate it, of course, and it was delicious but I didn’t feel great after having such a big lunch and alcohol as well.

These posts always go the same way, assuming they’re not taken down. I write about 50,000 words and then I say “I just want to go to bed. I’ll be OK”.

I just want to go to bed. I’ll be OK. I promise, but it’s been a while since I’ve had suicidal thoughts. What does it mean when they return and how concerned should I be?