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Losing

Kyle1Senior Contributor28 Aug 2023, 7:59 am AEST

Losing

Feels like ive been putting in a big effort over this last year, and in recent weeks it almost looked like it, too. But as much as iron loses a little everyday against the salt sea, I am, too.

I am losing the fight.

I have recently gone through another episode of d.v. and the trauma I already carried has tipped the scales again. I wasn't ready for that.

I am being made feel its my fault, while i spend every waking hour on edge and trembling, carrying injuries, anxiety, and depression - because i dared care for people other than myself.

I am feeling rather confused, isolated, shell shocked and afraid.

I am still taking my anti depression medicine, and an anti anxiety, too, but it isn't a cure-all.

I don't know what I need, tbh...just want to feel OK and safe and loved I guess.

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In response to: Losing

creative_writerSenior Contributor28 Aug 2023, 4:35 pm AEST

Re: Losing

@Kyle1, so sorry to hear things have been super rough lately. Sending you lots of love and positive vibes. Trauma is rough and what happened was not okay. I know with time, you can bounce back as a stronger Kyle because you have that strength in you 💖🫂

In response to: Re: Losing

Kyle1Senior Contributor29 Aug 2023, 8:27 am AEST

Re: Losing

thank you @creative_writer

God bless 🙏

I hope you're doing OK, my friend. 🫂

In response to: Losing

Kyle1Senior Contributor29 Aug 2023, 8:35 am AEST

Re: Losing

hi @Appleblossom . And thank you.

Honestly, along with everything else, I feel ashamedly stupid. And then I think: hmm, I must have deserved it. Only, I know I did nothing to deserve it... yet the dissonant thoughts persist like a security alarm, and I can't seem to shut them down.

I had left an abusive marriage (and was blamed heavily for that, too), only to walk into more of the same??.... Maybe I am crazy, after all.

In response to: Losing

Kyle1Senior Contributor29 Aug 2023, 8:43 am AEST

Re: Losing

I feel so stupid @Dimity

Too stupid to even order a coffee. Too stupid to visit my normal stops, where the barristers know my name. Where the servers smile and chat with me at my table. Too stupid to enter the supermarket. Too stupid to make a phone call.

It's wiered: on one hand I feel extremely self conscious and embarrassed. And on the other, completely invisible and alone.

In response to: Re: Losing

DimitySenior Contributor29 Aug 2023, 12:33 pm AEST

Re: Losing

Oh @Kyle1 I know that feeling well... I've known it from childhood. The oppression from abuse seems pervasive, it seeps into everything we do.even though the shame shouldn't be ours. Perhaps we've made a start towards self-empowerment by reclaiming our voice and naming it.

I remember a friendly barista - I still remember his face and name - who buoyed me up when I was being bullied in a new job. Don't underestimate it.

Breath deeply and step out - if not confidently at first, at least with faith in yourself - and know that you matter.

In response to: Re: Losing

creative_writerSenior Contributor29 Aug 2023, 12:39 pm AEST

Re: Losing

@Kyle1, you’re not stupid. I haven’t been in an abusive relationship, but I have experienced trauma, it does leave you feeling shattered and it’s hard not to see it as a character flaw. I don’t know about you, I would get thoughts about what I could’ve done to stop it. But these things happen when we don’t expect them, in the moment, we do our best to survive. Going through trauma is very confusing, I hope with time you are able to process it, when you are ready too. Have you been able to reach out for support for it? 🫂

I’m feeling rather unwell with a migraine, bipolar threatened a storm last night, but I took my meds and went to sleep, so feeling more levelled out

In response to: Re: Losing

AppleblossomSenior Contributor29 Aug 2023, 1:03 pm AEST

Re: Losing

@Kyle1

Hope is a funny thing ... and we try again ... and come a cropper ... again ... sorry it turned that way ... I have long been more wary of women than men ...

feeling that way (vulnerable, knocked around and weary) ... in my big effort to get out and socialise this year. Gonna cancel Wednesday night socialising, cos the fun bit of it, and the hope bit of it, has waned. Going to a funeral instead, with a lady I like, but coming face to face with how humans are ... and the big gap ... between reality and IDEALS!

God save me from my bloomin ideals.

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