Becoming a reality...

Thanks Redraw
When the m.h nurse said this,he was a male so I don't know if he was a bit sidetracked by his testosterone level,especially when I heard it repeatedly.Intimate relationships I have no control over.Thats what I hate about the hypocrisy of human nature.If I had a physical illness,you have "friends",the stigma of mental illness I was told by one neighbour to "suck it up",and friends I did have I couldn't trust because I know they gossip.Trust ,respect and my privacy I value as I have gone through dark times.I have always waited for Mr Right,never came along.I never discussed things personal with this nurse due to feeling uncomfortable a bit because he was male.I can see his point of my isolation,but it hurt me greatly when I heard it a second time a year later,must had been in every note he wrote lol.I had moved away at the time where he was situated,no job,new area,...I texted him the next day ending it.Thats not help.Why we feel adequate who knows,maybe we are conditioned through experiences like when stupid xmas cards were handed out at school or work and others got a heap you got one or two.Maybe that's why I won't send them anymore because I realize they are meaningless.I am a 44 year old unemployed screwed up loser if it makes you feel better.Hope you enjoyed your walk.See Mimm,we are all trying to live life,and it doesn't have to come down to if you have relationships .I'm too preoccupied finding what direction to take and to accept my fate which is bloody hard.Change 123 has this attribute.What you say Redraw is right and not limited,and yes Xmas will be with my two cats.

Mr right, or in my case miss right I think people such as us rely on a more dignified more moral high ground style we search for substance and depth in the shallow puddle that is what the human race has become as a species that is all about the instant self gratification, I try to quantify my why is it so, during my walks I have come to the conclusion that I am part of a redundant class of people those being 'sentinels' People with strong sensory skills used as nightwatchmen in tribal times. Without such requirements remaining senses become overloaded. My panic disorder has put me on the disabled list. On the Xmas card thing yeah everyone got a bunch, one year I got one I believe I was 15 and being that it was the only one i still have it stored in a file somewhere as for birthdays nothing from anyone that wasn't a parent or grandparent, it's kinda pathetic being me

Redraw

I can't say "stop putting yourself down"because I am one that thinks I am pathetic,a joke (my uncle told me I was this when I was a overweight child,)and shouldn't be alive .My walks like tonight and the past 4 years involve me getting distressed,I walk up the bush so no one can see me.Plus I am suffering badly with arthritis in the feet so I have to stop frequently on my walk.Good times!lol or cry.

Yeh I do agree,I am high in values these days especially in regard to my privacy due to my breakdown from society.When I moved away last year,I was very lost,different life,I went on a dating website,very out of character for me as I was always against this.Didnt show my face remained anonymous,one bloke contacted me by message .He said all the things someone lonely wants to hear,pathetic.We talked online for several weeks but had arguments.He wasn't for me physical appearance wise cross between Santa Claus and Billy Connelly.He wanted me to drive out to his place one Saturday...I ended up getting cold feet because I knew I was doing it for the wrong reasons and I was messed up.I never met him ,the relationship ended when he asked a smutty,inappropriate question which made me feel violated and disrespected.This is what I was trying to say to Mimm ,because if you are not in a good place,sometimes we are looking for something in a relationship that isn't real,or healthy.Redraw,you may not had got cards from anyone but a grandparent or parent but at least these were genuine.They are the ones that stay with you forever.

Dating sites are an interesting thing but it's not real it's all an illusion for instance I can talk here I can write all kinds of things but in the really real world I will keep quiet to avoid drawing attention or making myself look a fool, but here there is a detachment which has positive and negative implications, positive in that I can speak and more freely negative in that creating any type of actual bond is limited because as I say there is a separation between me and me not to say in my case they are not the same but one has the capacity to be open the other is somewhat lacking.

my walks range depending on the weather usually a couple of 5km plus walks around the area sometimes along the beach sometimes up to where the wallabies show up, today was an interesting one the early walk started out overcast and humid that was fine I got about halfway then the sun started screaming now I'm a redhead that could get sunburnt in a blizzard on a moonless night so got a little baked but not enough to bother me, then in the afternoon it was blowing a gale started raining about halfway then a bit of lightning so that was fun

There was a thing said by David Mitchell on the show would I lie to you it was regarding appearance but it resonated very strongly with me he said a code he lives by is "my appearance should be in no way noteworthy but not so unnoteworthy as to become noteworthy". its sad to see dead animals like that I see them rather regularly usually smaller than the wallabies but I see them too. no loneliness and chaos is not a good mix I agree completely. More than once I have been followed by birds now getting swooped by plovers and magpies can happen at certain times but about a month ago I had a magpie crisscrossing from tree to tree to fence staying just over arms length away it went on like this for well over a km and yesterday a similar thing but it was a crow this time somewhat ominous I thought hahaha. I regularly get told I look lost so I guess that makes sense

Your rural is obviously a bit different to mine, mine is coastal a lot of bird life, farms and depending on the time of year tourists some good more not so good, I find it eerie when being followed by crows, when wallabies watch you I like the look that is almost confusion it's relateable it's how I feel most of the time watching the humans I probably have similar mannerisms the head tilt and such and it has been noticed I get spotted on occasion and get asked like I am lost which I guess I am 90% of the time.

Yeh when I'm not in a good headspace,I get peeved when people pull up on my walk and ask if "I'm right?", I have bad days with severe depression when I am that angry and distressed I don't want to see any human being.Thats why I have a lot of respect for the brumbies because they have been a distraction from the thoughts in my head and the pathetic life I have had past four years,which brought isolation and withdrawal from human interaction.My walking the past few years has been my escape from reality,but also is a time when reality hits,why at times I get so distressed,or when severely depressed could stop and not move ,staring into space, due to the numbness.There must be a lot of us in reality who feel lost.