taking anger out on people who love you

@BlueBay I am just trying to work out who to see. My BPD is so destructive.

Have tried councilling but have not gelled with a particular counciller enough to keep it up. I also have found councilling to make things more confusing at times. I also have them telling be alot of what I already know which is demoralising.

I need someone to help me just need to work out who, when where how why what.... etc...

Hey @Eggshellntiptoe

I'm just wondering if you have done or looked in DBT. It is a very prescribed therapy but maybe that is what you are looking for. You would learn skills and then learn to adapt them yo your situation. It seems emotion regulation dealing with home life is your biggest trigger. If you can't do the program maybe you can find a therapist who could hone in the specifics you need to make some changes you are wanting in your life. I have BPD traits and struggled with DBT when i did it but have just asked to do it again as I think I'm ready for those specific things now.

I'm not sure if this helps but it is much more of a how, who, why approach. There are self-help DBT resources online too. Wishing you luck with this.

I think it has something to do with feeling pressured to work far harder than is comfortable ... accumulating stress and not feeling appreciated by the other party who also might be working far harder than is comfortable for them.

For some reason a lot of us are doing it.

For the last 30 years I have worked from home so I dont have a home/work divide.

I treated my family well and kindly and tried to put their needs first, but ended up in a dynamic where I was totally dismissed as "crazy" by my exhusband, but still had to keep loving and working in conditions that felt like physical and psychological extreme torture. About a couple of times every 3 years I would spit the dummy big time. I have been told I am very patient and too patient a lot .. but not by immediate family .. they find it easier not to acknowledge that ... I have tried to patiently and in clear English, to explain my needs to prevent flare up events... abc leads to xyz .. it has not worked. People dont seem to care enough about me to limit hurtful or draining behaviours .. or it is just not in their make up .. they just dont know how to do it . . I have had to accept my awful warts and theirs ... and still keep steering our ship in best direction.... as I do love my children. I also have tried changing myself (not them) so much I twisted myself out of shape ..

I do think we need to reduce the stress we put ourselves and loved ones under ...

I let things go a lot ... is that dropping standards ... that should not be dropped ??? I dont know ... Its mostly in household fussiness ... that I let go .. none of my kids had a lot of illnesses or broken bones so I suspect overall I made reasonable calls and invested my energy as wisely as possible. They just are not mature enough to recognise that yet.

I am not often snappy .. but I was just after the American election .. got depressed and cranky .. I had to apologise to my son ...

I see anger in the family as a full tank of frustration ... in a family system ... others might be getting more "pleasure" and not willing to share their booty ... currently learning about specific dynamics and power relations in primates ...

@Former-MemberThank you for the suggestion. can you briefly explain what Dialectical behavior therapy is? How has it helped you? I am only starting to getting my head around the fact I have an MI.

could you please describe the BPD traits that you have displayed or are coping with.

Hi @Eggshellntiptoe,

im just writing this so you know I haven't forgotten. I have been wanting to give you a decent answer and have just been struggling to think clearly for the last few days.

My BPD traits include impulsivity, huge fear of abandonment, I struggle to regulate my emotions and my family have worn much of it in the past. I'm slowly getting better at that part though although yesterday I went straight to react with my 16 yr old son and then thought about it and sorted it out with him calmly. I over react to everything and over think everything. Most of my anger gets turned inwards especially in recent history where I have often self harmed because I can't deal with the emotional intensity or distress.

DBT focuses on distress tolerance (ways to manage the intensity and distress when worked up), emotion regulation, mindfulness and interpersonal effectiveness (people skills basically). Of those I have found that I want to revisit some of the distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills. It's is not a cure for BPD and you will still have similar reactions to things but it's more about helping you to handle them differently so you keep your relationships stronger. Over time and practice the theory is that you will replace the ways you deal with things like anger with more effective ways. I hope this helps.

just thought I'd tag @Change123 as well as she might be able to help too.

Feel free to ask anymore questions. And sorry for the delayed response.

@Former-Member, @BlueBay, Thank you for the messages, I get very confused with lots of things by over thinking and analyising.

I just want to have some peace in my life. By peace I mean peace inside my head. I am in the process of separation from the mother of my daughter. We have been together for 10 years. She fell out of love with me several years ago. the reason it started to deteriorate was due to by BPD outbursts and Dark Side. I just gradually wore her down. She did try her best with me but I guess it is what it is.

My symptoms are switching from calm to sudden outburst of anger ususally over some minor thing. When it switches it is near impossible for me to switch back. I have trained myself to not fear abondonment howerver deep down I do fear it. I react impulsively without much clear thought into the consequences. I very most often feel empty inside with zero purpose or meaning to my life. I think I think deep down I am a good person. My condition however says otherwise to me an other people.

I just want my separation to work without the Dark Side / BPD rearing up and making our separation harder. I dont want to go off spitting poison then sit back later with more shame and guilt. Im still living with my ex while we sort out the separation. She is often raising past issues we have had including my BPD episodes (or my screeching as she calls it). This triggers more BPD episodes if I am not prepared for these past issues popping up.

I am ashamed of myself. I am 48 years old. I look at my situation and separation and I know I created this.

I also look at some of the people on this chat forum and it raises a contradiction in my head. An example is a female identifying to others that she is on the recieving end of verbal abuse, has a detached partner, lives on eggshells, cant do anything right. I then see some comments that she deserves better and she should get out etc....

WELL I am that womans partner???? (or i fit into the shoes anyway).

I believe in the theory that you are a conglomeration of your life experiences. I think however I have picked and chosen the ones I wanted to deal with the others are bottled up inside and spew out as part of my BPD.

I need to look for DBT. this seems to be comprised significantly of the theories and practices of Mindfulness training. Would you agree with this?

I live in the Whitsundays region in Qld. I need to try and find DBT in this area if possible. I am also looking to purchase litrature on Mindfulness. I seem to have found w wealth of rescourses on the net on this topic.