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TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

JPEG1998Senior Contributor

TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

Hi everyone. I am very new to using the forums on the SANE website, and I am already liking what I see; these forums are actually very similar to the ReachOut forums that I am currently using.

I thought that I would start using the SANE forums as I will be turning 26 early next year, but in the meantime I will continue to use private counselling, SONDER, ReachOut and Kids Helpline. The support that has been offered to me over the past six years from the aforementioned counsellors has been incredibly commendable - and to I dare say it - much better than the public health system in my state (which has been inconsistent and a huge let down). Everyone involved has assisted me through some of the toughest times that I honestly thought would destroy me. I am going through a tough time at the moment, and I would really like to share that with you. I think that it would be heathy to share my thoughts and feelings with you, but I obviously need to ensure that I do not intentionally or unintentionally harm anyone.

I guess that I could start from the beginning. I connected with this amazing man on Tinder, and we hit off pretty quickly; it got to the point where we then agreed to start talking on Snapchat. This man and I shared innocent enough snaps of our days to each other at the beginning, before we moved on to sharing nudes to one other consensually. I believe that I learned a fair bit from this man, and what I learned from him is that he is successful in life, working for a successful business. He's told me that he is flat out from his circumstances, and I told him that I am a very understanding person. But am I really an understanding person? I think I am living in denial by saying that, because I am really insecure and want attention all the time. Having left a relationship where his ex-girlfriend was abusive to him, he is not looking for anything serious right now from anybody. And while I not only feel for him, I am ultimately unable to help but feel like an idiot, too. I initially joined Tinder to make new friends, and he knows this, but since talking to this man, I have concluded that I am actually looking for a relationship. I never forced a relationship on to this man, and I never would, as I have a lot of respect for him. We had been chatting for about a three and a half weeks before I called things off with him. I said something pretty cruel to him about his ex-girlfriend, which really upset him. He told me not to ever contact him ever contact him again. I wish that I could apologise to him but unfortunately there is no going back now. I've lost someone amazing 😭

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In response to: TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

JPEG1998Senior Contributor

Re: TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

Hey @Jynx ,

So it's been a month since you and I last spoke. I feel like s**t about myself. I don't really know if I like him anymore. He has compared me to a friend of his, who looks completely different from me. In fact, she is the exact opposite from me. And in his own words, he point blank told me that she is 'winning' in life. What exactly is she winning at? Being an attractive, Instagram model? I don't get it. He swipes right to me on tinder first due to 'sexual attraction,' but he obviously finds her more attractive than me. I feel sad.

In response to: Re: TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

JynxModerator

Re: TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

@JPEG1998 oh goodness, I can totally understand that leaving you feeling pretty crappy. Honestly, that is a very unkind thing for him to have said, and to me it really shines a light on his values. Making an unfair comparison, and telling someone that he prefers someone else who is 'winning' at life? A very harsh, unnecessarily cruel thing to say. I imagine that you are still hurting, and I hope you do take the time to nurture your hurt and allow these emotions the space they need. I hope also that you can see that this person may have been a pretty awful match to begin with, and you definitely deserve better.

In response to: Re: TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

JPEG1998Senior Contributor

Re: TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

Hey @Jynx ,

I am no longer attracted to this person. I have since gone back onto the dating sites, and bang - there he is. Waiting to waste another woman's time. I hate him with a passion now. When he made that comment to me about this girl 'winning in life,' it was almost like as if he was saying to me that I am a fat loser who is nowhere near as perfect and as successful as this girl is. He had openly admitted that he talks about this specific girl with other women. I can't help but think that if he loves this girl so much and finds her so attractive, then why doesn't he marry her?

In response to: Re: TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

JynxModerator

Re: TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

@JPEG1998 aye, people with unexamined insecurities often end up projecting those insecurities onto everyone around them. Honestly, by making that comment to be cruel, he has shown that he feels like HE is the loser, and needs to make other people into the loser to try to prop himself up.

I'm glad to hear you're jumping back onto dating sites! Sounds like this has been a bit of a stick in the spokes though, you having moved into a place of feeling over him then having all his BS pop up in your life again. Very frustrating.

In response to: Re: TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

JPEG1998Senior Contributor

Re: TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

Hey @Jynx ,

Aye - this person even told me (and I had to read in between the lines here) that I was essentially too good for him, contrary to all of the crap that he said to me before I cut ties with him.

And honestly, no-one has really stood out to me yet.

In response to: Re: TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

JynxModerator

Re: TW: Hello, My Name is Newbie

@JPEG1998 ahh, love the inconsistency of the message there too, reeeeeaaaally good for our funky lil attachment systems 😒

I know that your logic-brain is probably well aware of what a poop-head he was, but it's okay if other parts of you are still feeling wounded and still maybe believe some of it too. I send hugs to all of them! 🫂🫂

Ach, yeah dating sites can be a minefield hey!! I hope you find some tasty wheat amongst the chaff 😉

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Australian Commission on Safety and Quality in Health Care NSQDMH Accreditation logo

Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.

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Aboriginal flag
Torres Strait Islander flag
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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.

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