Dealing with suicidal ideation and having no one to talk to

Hello! I'm new here. I came across these forums while searching frantically for some way to access any form of support while I wait to hear back from a community mental health service (don't you just love having to wait for weeks to get help?).

I guess the purpose of this post is to just get this off my chest, and get any creative and non-generic tips and tricks for coping. I hope a stream-of-consciousness type post is allowed here.

I've been dealing with persistent suicidal ideation since I was 12. I made a couple of attempts in my late teens (17 and 19). The first time, I saw how much it hurt my parents and made a bit of a silent vow to never put something like that on anyone else again. Since then, I've been trying to manage my stress and depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts by myself without telling anyone I know about it (save for one therapist earlier this year). It's becoming increasingly harder in the past couple of years.

I'm 99% certain I won't actually attempt again, but I think that has actually compounded my stress; I've recognised that it's not something I would do but I cannot stop thinking about it, and that makes me feel extremely frustrated. I've thought about it so much that I know exactly what I would do down to every little detail. At times, I really do sincerely wish that I would gather the courage to actually do it. And then when I'm feeling a bit less stressed a couple of weeks or months later, it really freaks me out to think that I got to such a point.

I don't want to end my life. I want to figure out how to cope with distress. And I especially want to figure out how the heck I can pull myself out of it when I'm feeling extremely low. I know I can't get all of the answers from this place, but I sure hope I can get some kind of starting point.