Lack of motivation and caring...

Hi Everyone,

last night I was out socializing with my husband and we spoke to a local business woman who has just spent a week interstate, lobbying some politicians about a cause she has become interested in. I so admire people who have the drive to get out and actually do something like that.... people who not only believe in something, but they are also motivated to try and make real changes.... I think it's really great, but such motivation is so far away from my personal experience of life that I find it hard to comprehend.

I know I'm navel-gazing a bit... but I can't help thinking that my up-bringing has permanently debilitated me as far as motivation and caring goes.... I really don't believe I am depressed anymore, and yet I find it so hard to ever get excited about anything.

The thing is that I do have the resources, the intelligence and the know-how to make changes in the world, but I am just too cynical and disinterested to care. Only, I really wish I did care!!

Talking to this local business woman- I don't know, but I got the feeling that I am probably more intelligent and well-read than her... that I probably could be like her if I really wanted to. You know, she is very successful, a lot of people are envious of her.... I know that much. I suppose I am in awe of her too.

The truth is, I don't believe I want to be envied or recognised publicly or anything like that. I just want to believe in something and I sadly don't believe in anything much at all. I do think this comes from being constantly criticized as a child and left to feel like nothing I ever did mattered.... I suppose that is it.

I'm having a bit of an existential crisis!

But I do quietly enjoy life... I love being close to nature and I love doing my painting and drawing.... I lead a gentle sort of life. Can anyone else out there relate? Would love to hear from you.