Pain, spasms, ER - Im miserable and my depression is getting really bad

I tried going to bed but with minutes I was spasming quite intensily. I didn't last long in bed and I was out and decided I was going to hospital, more so for the spasms than the pain. Which is what I did, my sister offered to take me but I didn't want her with me. First is the judgement of my complaints but then there is the doctor confirming the issues and providing treatment and my sister still not believing there's an issue, worse still twisting the doctors words, misinterpreting his/her facial expressions to suit her narrative. Any way it went it would not be good for me. As it is she has an attitude about me even coming to ER.

I saw a GP Ive seen before. He said it was very hard to watch me have the spasms, that they are quite bad. He said he was quite suprised that im dealing so well with them, especially for as long as I've had them. He prescribed a medication I was given last time I was in ER for the pain, Im just waiting for one of the nurses to come give me the injection, which she just did. Now I'm waiting to be allowed to leave. I said to the nurse that the amount of stuff thrown at me for pain is amazing and she said she had looked at my history and that I was on the good stuff.

I've got to wait a while and make sure there's no reaction to what they've given me. The nurse got me a coffee and then said that I can use the bed if I get uncomfortable. I do know what she means but I don't think changing to a bed would improve my comfort, quite the opposite in fact.

I'm incredibly tired, I know that I often get up pretty late but I go to bed early morning, I generally get up for a few hour during my sleep and my sleep is generally pretty light. It also takes a bit for me to fall asleep due to my mind going flat out and the damned spasms. More and more often I'm unable to sleep at all because of the spasms, they are causing greater and greater impacts on my life, particularly sleep and general rest. This causes me to be increasingly exhusted, more irritable, frustrated and more easily provoked to anger, all things I don't like.

It seems that this injection has helped the spasms, its a very high dose anti-inflammatory so I can't repeatedly have it or the tablet variation because I have had a GSV and I'm on lithium. Unfortunately the injection only provides a few days of relief. When I get home or when I wake up I'm going to write my pain specialist another email this time about my spasms, something needs to be done about

I tried going to sleep but I didnt last long in bed, I was punching the air and thrashing about. It really didnt take me long to give up despite really wanting to get some sleep. The injection doesnt seem to have lasted very long, I had a small reduction in pain however it didnt last, spasms while upright have returned to what they were and there didnt seem to be a difference when it comes to the spasms when laying down. Which really sucks because the ER had no other options for me. Regardless that the doctor treating me could tell that they were really severe and painful, that is seeing the least intense iteration of them. I wrote an email to my pain specialist telling him what was going on and basically asking for help, particularly in relation to the spasms. I kept nodding off while writing the email to my pain specilist. Im going to have another go at going to sleep again shortly. Im pretty desperate for some sleep.

The pain is nearly unbearable, I really want some sleep, an escape from the pain even for a short time. I risk the frustration of the spasms and the pain that accompanies it, but I am exceptionally tired. I just told Dad about my ER trip, it was as if I told him I drove to the city over night. I can hardly keep my eyes open, I keep dozing off and even when Im not my eyes keep shutting. My whole body just wants to sleep. I can only hope that I am so tired that it will beat out the spasms and Ill be able to sleep.

I managed a few hours sleep. Ive woken up in even more pain, I am in agony. Walking is so hard, so painful, even sitting down brings no relief. I really dont know what to do with myself. Theres no point going to ER, they cant do anything. I basically just have to sit and suffer. Im tempted to go and lay down again and see if I can get some more sleep. Its unbelievable how painful this is, I know it could be worse, I struggle to imagine it being worse but Im aware it could be. I really dont think my family gets it at all, they dont appreciate how much pain Im in, how frustrating the spasms are, how much of a challenge this is mentally. So much of me just wants to give up, fighting the pain, fighting spasms, its too tiring, its exhusting, I dont have the energy to keep up the fight, the battle is too great for me to face alone. I dont know what my family can do, acknowledging my pain would be a start. Dropping this hostile attitude they have. Dad seems to be angry with me for being in pain, I dont know what it is but its almost as if he blames me. Mum basically ignores what is going on, shes too self involved. I shower in her ensuite, which means I shuffle past her each time. Not once has she asked anything about my pain. She hasnt talked to me about it. She hasnt acknowledged it in any way. My sister she doesnt seem to care how much pain Im in, I dont think it would matter if I had bone sticking out my leg she would think I was in less pain than I say. She always minimise the pain I am in, she always treats it like I am faking or being pathetic, no matter the condition its never that bad. It doesnt matter how much trouble I am having walking or anything else for that matter, she will still ask me to do things for her, nothing major turn on the kettle, get her a Coke, etc. it just pushes me that bit futher, often futher than I really want to go. Given the pain Im in, I would expect that people would be offering to do things for me, rather being asked to do things for others. I really just want to be left alone, like if you can help, you can see I need help and offer that would be great, but failing that just allow me to deal with things the way I see fit. That shouldnt be interpreted that I dont want my pain to be acknowledged, for help, etc. But I know Im not getting that, I know Im not going to get that so I just want to be left alone, no negative emotions, no judgements, just let me be.

I went down to have a shower, Mum was redoing her bed, there were sheets in front of the ensuite door, she didnt even offer to move them for me. I know she is sick as well, but movement wise she is probably better off than me at the moment. I got over the sheets and had a shower, when I got out I sat down with her as I often do. I asked if she had been told that I ended up in ER last night, suprisingly no one had. I was sure that my sister would have made a fuss over it with her. I told her what had happened, what the doctor said and did. It was like I told her about a conversation with the attendant at the service station. She hardly acknowledged what I said before winging about the horse she wanted having been sold. There was no way Dad was going to let her get it, it just astounded me how little she cared that I had to go to ER last night, that I was having so much trouble with my spasms and pain. She didnt even ask how I am going with it today, no one has even considered asking how I feel today.

I know that no one in my family can make the spasms or the pain better, I know that they dont have a magic bullet to fix my issues. But if I felt like they were on for the ride with me, that they supported me and had my back. Not suspicion, not dismissing, not diminishing, not denying, but this is what I have, this is how my pain and spasms, not to mention my other conditions, are treated. It really doesnt matter what the condition, what the doctors say or what the proof is this is how my conditions are met. I am on my own, which is one thing but I also have to fight with my family just to be allowed to deal with my conditions as best I can. I dont even bother fighting for them to be recognised, to be acknowledged or for support.

I tried to have a laydown, I spasmed away, I swear I am going to rip my arm out of its socket one day. Its really sore. Given I was unsuccessful when I went to lay down I am assuming I have another night without sleep coming up. Its amazing how my family talk about my sisters lack of sleep because she choses not to go to bed so often and sleep at the table, but she also choses to stay up all night pretty regularly. I generally get some sleep, but Im up and down a fair bit, normally Im up for a few hours between periods of sleep. Some nights I get very little sleep due to my pain. I dont have a choice in how little sleep I get, I try to get sleep each night but the outcome is not in my control. My sister however doesnt try, she just doesnt go to bed. I would think my sister and I have very similar sleep, probably similar effectiveness of sleep as well. Her lack of sleep is recognised, even though she actively makes the decision not to sleep, mine is not.

I sit down a lot, standing or walking is difficult, sitting does get tiresome, it does take aa bit of effort to keep myself in a seated position, holding my back upright is pretty taxing. So, being able to lay down for a while is a welcome relief, it takes the pressure off my back, it allows me some time to recouperate, even if I dont fall asleep, it is a wonderful experience. However, due to the spasms I dont really get the opportunity to lay down and have a break. Now as the spasms increase when I am upright I am finding it more difficult and more taxing to remain upright.

Because of the way my family treat me, I dont feel like I can show, I can express how I feel regarding pretty much anything. When I talked to my parents the other day it wasnt about my feelings so much, it was more facts, actions and consequences. I dont often talk to anyone, particularly in my family, about my feelings, about my emotions. At home, I do my best not to even show my feelings, primarily my negative feelings. Even though I am in so much pain, Im incredibly miserable and depressed, I dont show it. Im making jokes, teasing my sister and laughing. I cant help them seeing the spasms, I cant help that I can only just walk, I cant help that my face contorts in pain occasionally. But I do my best to hide what I can. Its not out of shame, because Im lying, Im embarassed its because I cant deal with the facial reactions, the verbal comments, or the absolute lack of care shown. No matter how I am feeling, unless its positive, I do all I can to ensure that my family could see that on my face, in the tone of my voice, in my attitude. Im not always successful but as mush as possible I hide it away. If they see it, it they uncover how I truely feel, they will attack, I have no right to feel that way, no right to express those feeling, no right to subject the rest of the family to your feelings. The basis of this simply being that they dont believe that I am as bad as I say I am or that I suffer from the diagnosed conditions at all. If the condidtions dont exist or are not that bad, then having a significant emotional response is not justified.

I just had tea, it is still less than what I would typically eat, I was really hungry but still only ate like 2/3rds of a lite n easy meal. Now I am really full. Im starting to get really tired, I really didnt get much sleep today, maybe 4 or 5 hours. Im thinking of trying to lay down again for a while, but Im concerned about the whole spasming thing. Though I might be tired enough to lay down, maybe even sleep.

I tried to lay down but my concerns were well founded, I spasmed badly no matter the position I was in. My shoulders and neck have come out really painful, Ive really hurt my neck and left shoulder, the way my right one is going Im going to hurt that one as well. My spasms while upright are getting worse, a lot worse. I feel like I am losing contol of my body. I cant lay down, I cant sit still, I cant sleep and Im in so much pain, I feel like my body has given up, that its falling apart.

I got really depressed and just wanted chocolate, my sister decided that she was going to get some food so I was going to go with her but she decided to get what I wanted for me. Thats probably the nicest thing she has done for me in a while. I think she has noticed the spasms, though they would be hard to miss at this stage.

Even where I am not in pain and the places Im spasming, Im uncomfortable. No matter what I do Im uncomfortable, I kinda want to take off all my clothes, it feels like they are all bunched up around and under me. Almost like Im wearing clothes too big for me.

Im becoming increasingly depressed, the increasing pain, the increasing need for stronger pain medication has caused me to feel more and more depressed. I agreed to the initial procedure with the hope that it was going to be a promising treatment for my pain. Instead I found myself in far more pain than I was in. It was then decided that a similar procedure needed to be done higher up my spine again, I was in more pain than before. Eventually though about 3 weeks after the procedure I started to get relief, I started to have hope that things might just get better. A bit over a month after the procedure I find myself in yet more pain, far more pain.

After the first procedure I started to have trouble with spasms, as time has gone on the spasms have increased in frequency and intensity. Now they have moved to presenting while upright and rapidly gotten worse.

I started this process nearly 12 months ago and I have just gotten worse, Im in more pain, on really strong pain medication and Im spasming uncontrollably. I feel like I have spent a lot of money to be put in more pain and discomfort. I feel like I should have left well enough alone, like I should have just dealt with the pain I had rather than trying to improve my situation. Pain is one thing, Ive been in pain more than 1/2 my life, I have a lot of experience with pain and I can deal with a fair bit of it. I am holding my own with the pain I am dealing with at the moment, though an increase in pain medication would be pretty welcome, yesterday I wasnt so keen on it but the pain is continuing to worsen. The spasms however are a completely different thing, they prevent me from sleeping, from resting, from sitting still, they cause acute pain that can increase the chronic pain.

This is really depressing me, Im miserable, I dont know what to do. I lay down hoping to sleep, dreading waking up to the pain and spasms. I got to lay down dreading the pain and spasms preventing me from sleeping. Im miserable the whole time Im awake because no matter what I do, what position Im in, how I rest, how walk, anything, Im in pain, Im spasming, I hate my life. It might be a bit overdramatic but Id like to be hit by a truck so I can feel better.

Add to this my mental health, obviously depression is an issue, my anxiety is really high. I wrote my pain specialist an email yesterday explaining my situation and Im kinda freaking out. What if Im becoming too much of an issue, could he drop me? Will he be angry with me? Will he believe me? You know, its not been a smooth ride for me, but it hasnt gone terribly smoothly for him either. I think all up he has performed 5 procedures on me and Im worse off, which Im sure isnt an ideal outcome for him either. Then there is the anxiety surrounding the pain, most obviously will they be able to work out whats wrong and be able to treat it? Can they stop the spasms? But not only that, more immediate issues like, will they increase my pain medication? Will they provide breakthrough pain medication as well, just in case? Can they do something about these fn spasms?

My psychotic experiences are sporadic. The feeling that they are going to jump out from behind a corner is ever present. Disassociation type experiences are the most common thing at the moment. Next is hallucinations. I know if we cant get things sorted and get some regularity and a decent length of time when I do sleep that my psychotic experiences will worsen dramatically.