TW: IDK....SH, SI....IDK

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

So an update to my sh*tty life:

So it is becoming clear to me that my husband is cheating again. He is distant and disconnected from me. If he isnt, well then I am just god damn paranoid but it's pretty clear that he is. He has broken my trust and treated me like crap. Like I'm a fool. I don't get why he does this to me. Why am I so unlovable. I do so much for him and care for him but f me, right?!? There is no way out of this. No job, no money... family couldn't give a rat's arse about me. So I am stuck here. I want to ask him about it again but what's the point. I'm too upset and frustrated inside. It didn't go well last year when I asked him about it (I had clear evidence then). But then this leads me onto the fact that nobody gives a crap about me. Maybe it's because I'm an adult, and so people including your mum just stop giving a sh*t? Or is it just me? I mean as a child she was emotionally neglectful. It has never changed? I am total opposite to her. However, another point, I believe my step dad is controlling her every move and it is starting to really get to me. I don't feel it is my place to say anything but he pulls her from her family. Feeling very rarrrr rn!!

Thirdly, fourthly....whatever, I am so FRUSTRATED with the 'mh care system'. So I have had it all throw in my face. It is CLEARER than ever that they are refusing to help me. And nobody again is actually helping me with this. As far as I'm concerned it's actually become inhumane. Whatever the word is.

This last 1.5 weeks, I have not slept properly AT ALL. Repeated and increased flashbacks and nightmares, sleep paralysis, and more. Anxiety and with panic attacks when out in public and alone at home!! My body has been so tense, and still is tense and tight in my chest. I've had achy arms and a heavy body. I've felt mentally exhausted and physically. Depression is a major factor too. I don't want to do anything and nothing is bringing me any joy. I am numb inside. I feel all these things but then actually feel nothing at all. I hate being like this!!

I tried a new GP this week! And you know what they contacted my previous GP and got the 'full story' about me. Which is lies!! The community mental health services also lied to the health ombudsman about me too!! I need antidepressants at the very least, but NOPE. [edited by moderator]

I've lost trust with everyone around me. I have lost all god damn hope. I am furious inside because I don't want to be living like this anymore but here I am....yes I have tried to change things but it is CLEARLY not working!! I wish I could have a proper conversation with someone not these crappy mh services that don't care if you tell them you're about to off yourself. Yes LIfeline im talking about you. Oh and suicide call back. People think 'they have a duty of care'...call them when you need help. Definitely not, not anymore.

I spent an hour the other day on the phone to a counsellor where I literally poured my heart out to but you know what, they told me, 'you have quite complex needs right now, and I am not a good fit for you'....THE END! Like, really?!?!? So who the f*ck can help me?!? Because it seems like my lord and saviour is going to be the only one to help me rn...

I keep everything internalised but im'ma about to explode 🤯 it is all useless....idk what I am to do anymore....I really honestly don't....it has never been this bad....I think people are just waiting for me to disappear....but their wishes might just get granted because I can't take it.... I feel like I'm living one big joke....I can't keep disassociating from things. But....what other choice do I have