Alone and making the wrong decisions

I am unsure of why I am trying to write this out. Maybe there is a small glimmer of hope that someone will understand or perhaps it will become clear after I have written it out. Because at the moment, I am at a complete loss with words, let alone emotions.

I know for a fact that it has been six weeks since I have started DBT, and six weeks since I SH. It hasn't been easy, with each day being a challenge. I feel like I am just holding on, I am just following the ebb and flow of each day, waiting for sleep to pass the current day into the next.

Yesterday I admitted in my DBT one on one that I have been messing around with my medication. First time ever I have admitted it. I decided to be honest about the medication, as there is no point trying treatment if I continue to hide certain factors. It wasn't until yesterday that I realised how serious my actions were. I was only fiddling with them cause I was exhausted and wanted to have a night sleep where I wasn't woken up from nightmares. But today I can't stop thinking about what could of happened.

All I can think about is how I could have really screwed up by fiddling with my meds, and how bad my destructive thoughts are today. I don't want to act on them but part of me is whispering telling me perhaps it's going to make you better. But I keep telling myself it won't. I tried reaching out to some people who I guess I could call them friends. But no one hasn't gotten back to me since i tried contacting them since yesterday. Which just adds to the emotional ball I have currently....