I can’t find peace

@creative_writer That is a very tricky conundrum. Perhaps it could be something to reflect on - why is it that you don't trust them? What don't you trust? Is it an issue of feeling that they don't truly want to help you? Is it that you don't trust them to be capable of helping or providing you with what you need?

You don't have to answer these here if you'd prefer to just reflect on them internally. But they can also open up deeper inquiries - e.g. if you don't think people are capable of helping, that might mean there is an underlying belief that you are beyond help. If you feel that they don't really want to help, there's an underlying belief that people are intrinsically selfish and only want to do things for their own gain.

This is all just examples mind you, mostly from my own experiences to be honest! But taking the time to reflect on the deeper nature of this distrust might help you to start approaching your help-seeking in different ways.

Have you ever done Schema Therapy?

@Jynx, I believe that my emotions are too intense for other people, if people struggled to sit with my emotions in the past, what’s the chance they can sit with them now? I try to appear normal, I shove the emotions inside me because who wants to hear about how much I am hurting? It’s more acceptable to express the “socially acceptable” emotions. I don’t feel like I can get my emotional needs met from other people, so I often go to the mindset of “why try”. Ending up alone isn’t the worst thing, it’s so much more painful to be around people and be misunderstood and judged. I guess I am afraid of being hurt, I’ve been hurt too many times.

I’ve done bits and pieces of schema therapy

@creative_writer Hmm... if you've had enough experiences of being told by others that your emotions are 'too much' it makes sense for you to feel the need to push them down. I'm sorry that you've not had enough people in your life who will hold space for you and give you that sense of safety when you do decide to open up. I think this is also a broader social isse in our modern world - the idea that some emotions are more socially acceptable than others is so awful. All emotions are human.

I think if others are unable to sit with your emotions, that actually reflects more on the fact that they haven't done the work to be able to sit with their own emotions, not on the fact that your emotions are too intense.

Perhaps you haven't found the right people yet - those who will validate instead of shutting down, who will listen and hold space with compassion instead of judgement. And I think the tricky part is that if we've been hurt too many times before, we can become closed off - to both the crappy judgey people, but also to the good ones.

I mentioned Schema Therapy because it can help us to get insight into our beliefs and values, as well as our areas of greatest struggle. From knowledge of self is the first step to being able to make conscious changes. Did you find the schema therapy you've done so far to be helpful?

@Jynx, i do think I feel much deeper, it’s hard. I always feel like an outsider, even in my own loving family.

I think I’m also afraid of being judged in therapy, I have been judged before, I felt like a problem instead of a person. That experience probably makes things trickier. I am no longer seeing that therapist and haven’t for years, but it’s hard. More recently, I’ve been allocated to a new counsellor who I’ve barely seen but felt misunderstood by. Maybe it’s too early, only had 2 sessions, but I don’t know if I can go on with it, I hate it when people assume things without asking. Though I do have a long term psych (I see her once a month thanks to Medicare) which is going well, and it’s also going okay with my pdoc too

@Jynx, schema therapy has been helpful

Mm if you've had those experiences with therapists in the past @creative_writer it would make it much harder to feel safe to open up to someone again. I think since you have got some folks in your treating team who have been a good fit, you can use that as a baseline standard to determine whether someone new is going to be the right person for you to continue working with.

Maybe try one more session with this new counsellor? You could even express to them that you are feeling misunderstood. None of us are mindreaders, so unless you tell your therapist that something isn't working, they won't know that something might need to change (P.S. also as a therapist, I love getting feedback from clients - it gives me better insight and allows me to adjust my approach to be more in line with their needs). If they don't listen to your feedback and keep doing what they're doing, then they're just not a good fit for you.

@Jynx, it didn’t help when my mum said to be cautious around MH professionals. She used to talk how the mental health system was broken, which is sort of is, but it wasn’t helping at the time. I try to avoid those conversations or I get paranoid and start thinking my supports don’t care about me.

I’ll see with my new counsellor how things go, she’s only going to manage the more everyday stuff as opposed to deeper things (which I do with psych)

Mm that would be a tough perspective to shift @creative_writer , especially if its something you've been taught from a young age.

Hmm maybe shifting your perspective a little might help? Rather than wondering whether your MH supports care about your or not, you could simply determine whether or not they're actually helping you. If their approach and insights are helpful, then does it matter whether they care or not? And if they are helping you, doesn't it then follow that they probably do care? Enough so that they're putting in effort and finding ways to connect and resonate with you in order to find the things that will be the most effective.

@Jynx, seeing the psych and pdoc is helping. It’s just hard when my mum is angry with the psych and thinks she overreacted last year over my SI. Almost had the police called, until the CAT team decided I didn’t need it and just referred me to community mental health. I think she is worried about treatment orders, I’ve never been on one and don’t want to change that

@creative_writer Yeah can very much understand not wanting a CTO. I think it's highly unlikely they'd issue one lightly. But your psych was doing what she thought was needed to keep you safe in that moment - plus there's duty of care in the mix.

Sounds like a tricky balance to strike, between your mum's hesitations and your need for support. Trust your instincts I guess, you are the person who knows what is best for you more than anyone.