Trigger warning ⚠️ ⚠️..... So it is a lot....

Hi.

So many people think they 'know' me. But they REALLY dont. Nobody actually knows me. And I'm sick of people assuming who I am, what I'm about, whats happened to me, why I do things etc etc.

Here is a bit about me.

I suffered abuse as a child, teen and adult. It has been sexual, physical, emotional and mental. 4/5 (possibly earlier) 11/12/13/14/15/16/17/18, 24, 28/29/30/31/32.....here I am at 33. They certainly are not lottery numbers. I have been dealt many unfortunate hands. I didn't ask for any of this. It has been one thing, one person after another. They have screwed with my mind time after time. I have flashbacks and nightmares. There is NO escape for me. For them, they probably go about their days peacefully, giving none of this a second thought. Their actions and words leave no scars for them, but for me, I am covered in scars. Ones you can and can't see. The mental scars are the absolute worst.

I have only ever wanted to love. Just pure, unwavering, unearned, unconditional love. It is who I am. But people and problems have made it really f*cking difficult for me to express that kind of love and you know what, it really REALLY hurts my heart. I don't have a bone in my body that 'hates'. There is only one word in this world that I 'hate' and it is actually the word 'hate'. But I unfortunately can feel myself turning from dislike to hate. When I say things like 'i hate this life', you know something must be up because of that. But over time I can physically see my world has turned from grey to black and that is a scary thing.

This life is not what I imagined. It isn't all rainbows and butterflies....it is very much the opposite, or at least in my world and experience. I have tried to believe there can be bright times and I have actually seen those days....but they have never lasted.

Anyway...I'm rambling on....but this is deep sh*t for me....

I'm having a problem because I'm actually experiencing a lot of f*cking stress. I feel like my head is about to pop off. I do a lot and the more I do, the more I realise it is not actually acknowledged or appreciated. And that hurts a lot. In fact, it is questioned and defined as 'not enough'.

I am not good enough.

Maybe it is just me, or maybe it is the things that have happened to me to cause me to be like this. I don't know and maybe I will never know.

I don't see a way out of this. I am lost. This life has become a Labrinth that has sucked me right in.

I know when times get tough, drinking perhaps isn't the answer....it certainly wasn't the other night....but to be honest, I'm beyond caring anymore. I'll do what gets me through. I don't have a drinking problem and I don't drink all day and/or everyday. But I know that when sh*t gets too much, I reach for it. And tonight is one of those nights.

Tbh, it's not the worst thing I can do rn. I've had many dark thoughts attack me in the last 20mins. A thought keeps coming to me 'just put this sh*t to rest'. I feel like I'm in this hole where there is no escape. Nobody is going to reach down and help me out. I know I have to help myself but why? So I can be treated like sh*t again? So I can put myself through the ringer and fail, again,?!? I know I'm no good.

Anyway...blah, blah, blah....Loz, stop talking....