I'm completely falling apart

I was making music for a while and then something just snapped when I couldn't think of any new ideas or even make any covers. I deleted the soundcloud of me and my producer in a fit of rage against myself and tried to end myself. I still want to die and I don't know how I'll cope. I've tried to get back into music but I just can't do it, I went from singing beautifully to completely tonedeaf. doing anything else feels boring and pointless and I can't see any reasons worth living any more. and you can try the "it will hurt people around you" but I'm honestly beyond the point of caring. Tdhere wasn't a day that went by where I wasn't planning and figuring out how I could end it all. I wish I lived in Canada or Belgium. I want the right to die. my life has been consistently miserable with the one exception of the month I was making music. but it's been weeks now. I just can't. I can't even change my clothes or shower or brush my teeth or even take my boots or jacket off to "sleep"and by sleep I mean without meds being awake all night with the worst thoughts possible while I happen to be in bed. there's no dignity in my life - can't I at least die with some dignity like that episode of TLOU? with a loved one by my side, just holding me and keeping me comfortable while I stop breathing?

I've tried the 24/7 help lines my entire adult life almost every night until I was prescribed these sleep meds - in my opinion they're hopeless. they either just decide whether or not to call an ambulance (I have awful medical trauma in the psych ward) or give me coping mechanisms that are in no way potent enough for this level of depression. I honestly wish I had waited for my partner to sleep and then taken everything else so I didn't still have to be here. I wish that when I was an addict, I didn't survive my accidental hot shots. I wish any of my literally dozens of attempts had succeeded.i want so badly to relapse. I'm so tired. I don't want to have to think any more. I've completely given up and I actively want to get worse.