Huge panic attack yesterday. Partner says she can't handle it anymore.

@Jlol Hello I'm so sorry to hear about your partner and her bad attitude towards you. I always thought I would have to be strong myself in order to be a celibate and not rely on a man. Sounds as if the dynamic is unhealthy and she needs to do some self inquiry in order to assess why she needs a strong man. We all have weaknesses and vulnerabilities its just some people are better covering it up than others. I suspect its heterosexual politics. Maybe she should be strong herself and not have to be a dependant woman? I was raised in a family where my father showed his feelings, did housework, cooked etc. And that was in the 1970's. You would think this strong man attitude had been banished from our culture. Don't worry. Youre doing the best you can. I don't know what you do about it but I think she has to self reflect instead of lashing out at men. I think its deep psychological complexes that need to be addressed. I've had men say that they don't like strong women but I wondered what I was supposed to do with the path I walked as I could not rely on anyone. In the meantime get your health sorted out. I suspect your partner does not genuinely respect you, if she did she would not be doing the things shes doing.

Hey @Jlol I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I really hope you can get the coughing checked out soon, it can be pretty scary and sounds pretty serious to be coughing up blood.

Your partner isn't treating you well at all. I hope this isn't a regular occurrence for you to endure. None of us can promise not to have panic attacks, because they're not something we can control. And crying in response to being treated this way sounds like the most natural response - hardly a sign of weakness. You deserve better.

Have you ever spoken to the lovely folks over at 1800RESPECT about your relationship?

I hope you get some reprieve and can take the time you need to recover this evening.

Hi Jynx,

Thanks for the comment. Sadly, yes this is a fairly common occurrence, but this last one was big.

Yes I have spoken to 1800 Respect. They say they cannot really help me as I am a male and just advised me to seek support from a therapist.

Thanks for the reply @Former-Member

Yeah, this "toxic masculinity" thing of not being weak or showing emotion is a strange one.

My parents sound a bit similar to yours. There wasn't any issues with me showing emotion growing up. Nor did I have any issues with this kind of thing amongst my peers or other men that were around. It was only in adulthood that it became an issue, and, to be frank, it's only been an issue with female partners I've had (I remember my first girlfriend once called me "gay" for trimming my nails).

It's kind of tricky to navigate this as a male. On one hand I was taught - I believe rightfully so - to be open to emotions and to treat women equally (I mean, the latter is just natural) in all aspects of life. That means, when living together, sharing chores like cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn, etc. But some of the women I've dated, whilst calling themselves feminists, are quite choosy about which things should be equal (cooking) and which things are "man jobs" (mowing). My current partner, for example, will not do anything she calls a "man job", like using any kind of tool or even setting up a new technological device like a TV. Yet, it would go against her principals (and mine) to call sewing, cooking or cleaning "woman jobs". This extends to all sorts of things, even financial. Eg when I landed a job that paid more than hers I was "required" to contribute more to joint expenses, but before this when I had a job that paid less than hers this requirement didn't exist. I kind of just think she wants the best of both worlds, and particularly as a male, it's hard to pipe up say that it's not fair without being cast as a misogynist.

@Jlol Sorry this is happening for you.

Glad @Former-Member responded in her way.

I am a woman who did the lawn and the bins ... and lots of man jobs ...

I think it is a HUGE topic still ... with all the discussion about DV and gender etc ...

Everybody ... no matter who ... deserves a sense of sanctuary in their home and the right to feel all their feelings ... without rejection.

Take care

Apple

@Jlol Yes I tend to agree. Maybe just sort this health issue for now. It must be very disconcerting for you. I know I would be upset. I hope the doctor can come up with something for you and you can feel better soon ❤️ Sending you my best wishes for a good recovery

some resources:

https://twitter.com/TheMindsJournal/status/1559457436418953216

https://twitter.com/ActivelyHealing/status/1315678462041042946

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@Jlol wrote:

Hi Jynx,

Thanks for the comment. Sadly, yes this is a fairly common occurrence, but this last one was big.

Yes I have spoken to 1800 Respect. They say they cannot really help me as I am a male and just advised me to seek support from a therapist.

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Oh dang, I didn't know that about 1800respect. Thanks for letting me know, I'm actually pretty disappointed in them for that. What about mensline?

Is your partner seeking help for her mental health? Sounds like she miht have quite a bit of unresolved trauma, and she's projecting it onto you. I'm glad you're here with us on the forums, you deserve kindness and support 💜

Hi @Jlol,

It sounds like you are really exhausted from both your paid job and the extra hours of manual work you do at home. When we are exhausted it is more difficult to manage our mental health and we are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, panic attacks or other mental health challenges. The way your partner is treating you is also likely to be affecting your mental health. You are not weak or at fault - you are exhausted and experiencing abuse. Can you talk with a Doctor about your mental health? I I hope you are able to see a Dr soon to check out your coughing up blood too. This isn't a common symptom of panic attacks, so should be checked out to see if there is something else going on.

1800 Respect acknowledges that people of all genders can experience Domestic & Family Violence and can seek support for their experiences. It is unfortunate that the person you spoke with was unable to help you to find support. Maybe you could call again and ask for someone with experience helping males? Or you could try Mensline 1300 78 99 78.

What do you think would help you to relax, especially after a panic attack when you need to be especially kind to yourself? Could you try cutting back on some of the things you do at home to make some time for you. Whatever your partner or your critical-inner-voice might be saying - it is not weak to take some time to do some things to soothe yourself and help you cope with the stresses of life. Listen to some music, phone a friend, drink a hot chocolate, read a book - or whatever helps you feel better.