Hello @Appleblossom
I wanted to talk with you anyway, & I saw your 'stay in touch' comment now. I think you get it that I'm writing to express & share.
It got wonky. I hate the thought of unloading this on you. I know it's ok.
I have been drinking for the last week. I found out I like getting drunk. Like I did in my teens & 20's. I completely forgot how fun it was too feel so relaxed with myself. Last night it all reached its crescendo.
After the full day I had - I grabbed a bottle. Weird tho. It was on my mind to go bottlo O, I wasn't going to bother, I was worn out, driving to friend place.
Van with trailer was blocking my left turn. We sat, our cars facing each other. It was clear he had no intention of moving.
There was a parking lot directly next to me - across the road, was the bottle shop! I literally had to park.
Yada ...yada.. Late in night, bottle empty, I cried & swore & yelled (no screaming) I didn't drive, tho I considered it. I held down a car horn for extended time, probably upsetting surrounding houses.
Everything, all these things, stresses, hurts, neglects, wants, needs, sadness fell out of me with no effort or organising. I was yell crying for maybe an hour. Pure emotion.
My friend, I found him 'sleeping' in his car. I was so hurt. The whole time, I thought I was talking to him. I asked him what he was doing in the car? He said, he needed peace.
(Away from me?) He has told me he doesn't want to see me today.
My head hurts - maybe from alcohol, I don't get hangovers - I'm hurting from crying so hard. My eyes are puffy.
I don't accept his response.
Admittedly, I don't remember much of what I said. I think I was accusing him of lacking integrity. Not only him, the world in general. The extreme neglect I have had to endure my entire life .... & now, getting these small supports through NDIS ....& my friend .... it triggers me, levels.
I LOVE & appreciate the help I am FINALLY getting. I am basically certain, I wouldn't make it, without help of others. And, also, it's peanuts!!
I deserve so much more. I'm worth so much more.
I still feel like, I'm on the bottom. Scared of what happens if I don't show full appreciation for the scraps being tossed to me.
It was the same with my ex. I was thankful to have roof over my head. .... & now that is being taken away.
I don't want to repeat.
I'm really sad & disappointed in my new friends managing of situation. Maybe he is not my person after all. Haven't I paid enough?! Why must I continue to beg - when all I want - is too be loved? Give love. Experience love.
I can't do this with restrictions always on me...
I tried. It destroyed me, MY life - I may NEVER recover. That is what I paid. I won't, can't, do it again.
I get about respecting other people's wishes, & boundaries - & I'm def. a novice, willing to learn.
I don't want to sacrifice my boundaries. I'm the important ONE. I'm the ONE, at the end of the day, who pays. I get to choose what I can afford. I get to determine what I need to increase my savings.
Can we share & build up each other's back account?
Who do I choose, trust, to share & build with?
Maybe in practical, worldly ways - I AM the bottom of scrap pile. Not real money, facing homelessness , no designer labels - 'jeggings I bought from Rivers at least 3 seasons ago', .
No family.
That one really hits.
And no real friends - except that beautiful fluffy warm bodies snuggling with me now.
Yet, I could make another person rich!! Super rich! That's what I think anyway. Do, I really believe it? I feel like I do ... I feel like I KNOW it.
I don't know what else to say. I wanted to record today. I don't really like that this is all public. In my head I'm only with to you.
Gonna stay off the drinking. Well that is my thoughts in this moment. I forgot how fun drunk was - it's a good thing, & I wish I didn't know in a way. I won't let it get out of control .... I hope. I don't even want to be a 'civilised consumer.' Idk if I'm a drinker now?
Is it good for me? Or a bad thing? Idk anymore. I think I want a break tho.
The End
