Homophobia & trauma box opened

Content warning: homophobia, child sexual abuse (SA)

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a while, I've had years & years of therapy & have been released into the wild. It's been ok, but there's still difficult points.

Yesterday I attended child protection training at work. I've had lots of my own trauma and generally I work well with some issues that I have lived experience with, such as domestic violence. Other issues, not so much. I don't work with child SA because of my own past. Even though I've had lots of trauma therapy, it's not a safe topic for me. The training of course covered everything though.

I was mindful that mention of child SA was going to be hard for me. I was prepared for that. What I wasn't prepared for was working with idiotic colleagues. I work in community services so people assume my colleagues are thoughtful and aware, but it's not always the case. A weird colleague I wouldn't pay much attention to said, "they want to add a letter to the LGBTIQA acronym for paedophiles as Minor Attracted People..." I immediately raised my voice to say "no, that's not true." I am part of the LGBTIQA community and you don't even need to be part of the LGBTIQA to know that's bull and likely came from disinformation from bad actors on the internet wanting to target a vulnerable group in society. And I honestly could have dismissed my colleague outright (everyone thinks he's a bit strange anyway) if MY NEW MANAGER had not spoken over me to say, "no it's true, they are trying to add another letter to the LGBTIQA to include paedophiles".

I felt like I was punched in the stomach & like I was immediately going to throw up. I had to leave the room. I raised concerns with the next manager above the aforementioned manager, but to my knowledge nothing has happened. The person I spoke to agreed that my manager's comments were extremely inappropriate but yeah, I'm not confident they've acted on it in any way.

I am left in a vortex of trauma. I was already triggered by the content of the training, but those comments happening at the same time has really messed me up. I've been targeted by criminals who wanted to hurt children and I was hurt by them. To even suggest they are in the same category as me, a queer person, just .. there's actually no words. And I don't feel safe any more with my direct manager, I'm afraid she's homophobic. I don't feel safe in my workplace if that's my direct supervisor. There's so many emotional implications I can't function. I've barely left bed since it happened.

My partner is worried about me and she wants me to make a formal complaint but when my trauma is triggered I feel like I'm going to lose any power battle with anyone, I feel like a helpless child again. I don't feel composed or strong enough to do such a thing. Then I feel ashamed by my meek response. It's a bitter little cycle . I hate it when this trauma box is opened, with regards to the SA I experienced, memories bombard me all day and I can't concentrate. I did a lot of EMDR on these memories but I don't know how much you can control them, they're that bad. Anyway, venting. Hope to hear from someone who can understand CPTSD.