My recovery journey

Hello everyone 👋 I hope it's okay if I post my thoughts and musings here as a kind of diary. But anybody is more than welcome to comment here if they want!

I was in hospital last year with psychosis and I have a background of depression and anxiety. So, I am trying to recover from my hospitalization while dealing with these conditions, and with the ups and downs of life as well of course.

My first 'update' is that I had a job interview today. It was for a job that I applied for before my mental health 'team' (so to say) advised me to slow down on the job search and focus on my well-being and personal recovery for a few months. I decided to go through with the interview anyway for some experience and also because part of me still really wants the job. I find it hard to accept that I shouldn't be looking for a job. A lot of negative thoughts crop up about it - how will this gap look to future employers? What if this job was the perfect job for me and I'll never find another one? How will people judge me for being unemployed? Will money from centrelink be enough?

As for the interview, it went better than expected! So, it was a success in terms of a behaviour experiment (has anybody tried those for their anxiety?). However, they asked me to give two referees. I know this is standard for applying for jobs but I can only think of one person who would be suitable. I feel like such a loser for not having more experience and so anxious because I don't want to contact people who barely remember me and might reject the request. Even the thought of asking the one person who knows me well enough makes me anxious. It's so hard not to beat myself up for struggling with this stuff, but I'm trying to be kind to myself.