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Need help with a complex situation with depression

Unknown userMember13 Nov 2016, 1:12 pm AEDT

Need help with a complex situation with depression

Hi,

I usually post on the lived experience forum as I have MI issues but have an issue I am struggling with relating to depression and anxiety with my son's girlfriend who lives under my roof. I am not sure how or if to intervene. It is causing me stress and affecting my mmental health lately too. She has not come out of her room for days and has been demanding of my son who is doing his last exams and needs good grades to do honours next year. They have lived here for about 4months and this would be about the 6th episode. She really has only had about two weeks of being ok. She won't seek help but says she wants my son to get a professional to contact her. I have talked to her about headspace but again she wants them to contact her. She was seeing a psychologist earlier this year but has stopped and has highlighted that she wanted the psychologist to ring her and make the appointments.

Her mood is currently affecting mine and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, my emotions are starting to spike in unpredictable ways because of this situation too. I have trouble with emotion regulation as I have BPD traits but don't lash out rather turn them inwards. I am watching my son suffer and it's difficult when it's under your roof. He jumps to her every command.

I am am looking for advice to a) help her seek professional help. b) know how to effectively help her. I've been too scared to broach this with her and how I deal with my depression is very different to hers. C) know how to deal with it so it doesn't take me out.

I feel like a hypocrite with this all because I have had several serious episodes of depression and have a couple of hospital admissions during this time so I also feel like anything I say will be seen as the pot calling the kettle black.

Her family is aware of her MH issues but not of her current situation. I don't really have contact with them to ask for help. I guess if it wasn't under my roof I may not get involved but I am seeing it destroy her life and my sons in the process.

Im grateful for any advice.

185 replies

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In response to: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Unknown userMember29 Nov 2016, 11:06 am AEDT

Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

hello @Former-Member - thanks for the tip about using@ - had wondered why people were doing that laugh hate computers. Happy to hear that discussions are happening as a family for you all. Perhaps her parents don't know how to do this and might be part of why she has left home because her home was separated as well as her parents if that makes sense. Encouraging her to talk to her mum or dad once she sees how your family does it, might help improve her relationship with them resulting in less pressure on your family. Or it might just reaffirm that they are not interested. Some people don't know how to show concern and need a little shove in the right direction so to speak. One way to find out. You are so caring Teej, your last paragraph showing concern for someone else reaching out. Time for Teej to have some self concern too. xxxx

In response to: Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

AppleblossomSenior Contributor29 Nov 2016, 7:08 pm AEDT

Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Glad that you had a productive family session @Former-Member. Team work as adults is about it in this world where adolescence last a bit longer than it used to ... transitions to self reliance.... Sometimes like that a stitch in time saves nine.

Fingers crossed for you all.

In response to: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 Jan 2017, 7:44 am AEDT

Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Hi @Former-Member @Appleblossom @Former-Member

I have only just come across this thread while browsing tonight ... I hope you don't mind me joining in, cos I know you could have tagged me @Former-Member if you had wanted to .... I just want to let you know that this thread is running so close to my situation with S1 and DIL it's a bit gobsmacking ....

There has been so much going on with WH and the other kids who are under my roof, that I didn't want to branch into this one on the threads I have been contributing to elsewhere .... but I also didn't want any of you feeling that I am not compassionate towards my DIL and her mi .... I absolutely am .... but she has seriously, seriously hurt my son with a selfish personal choice that I believe falls outside her mi .... she comes across as incredibly selfish, and this action underscores it like nuthin' else ....

Her parents are actually stepping up for her .... but it is a mess and will take quite some time to structure .... and that's okay .... but as an empath (that's what you were describing @Former-Member) I have had to keep my compassion engaged but get my heart the h#ll out of there.

My method for that is the same one I have described and use for in-law invaders .... the polite mask fall-back .... it allows me to be compassionate in my actions and offers, but reserve my empathy, if that makes sense .... because I would be casting it where I could only get badly hurt without achieving anything good for DIL in the process.

The politeness mask is achieving as much as she is prepared to receive from me, as she is extremely jealous of S1's attentions and is very, very emotionally demanding of him.

I hope this helps @Former-Member .... that was my intention rather than simply venting ... connecting with you in this issue, with compassion and understanding, and endeavouring to share my coping facility with you.

😔❤️💕

In response to: Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Unknown userMember06 Jan 2017, 8:02 am AEDT

Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

I'm sorry I never intentionally didn't tag you @Faith-and-Hope. Usually I start threads without tagging anyone because it feels more open.

Its a complete mess at the moment. I can't go into it but it's a huge part of me not coping and why I need an out currently. It's ripping me up completely because it's spiking all my emotions I can't regulate well which turns to SH. I'm at fault for much of it and making her really unwell. She is not coping with me being unwell and taking my son down in the process. He is in the middle at every turn being chewed up by MI. She still hasn't got help. I hide in my bedroom everyday now for most of the day.

In response to: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 Jan 2017, 8:21 am AEDT

Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

That was definitely not a whinge about not including me @Former-Member .... more a "knock, knock .... can I come in ?"

My spidy senses were telling me that that was a big part of what it's about with you at the moment, and I hope I can help ....

Just home from the coffee bar ... will settle things a bit here and be back ....

In response to: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 Jan 2017, 8:55 am AEDT

Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

You there @Former-Member ?

In response to: Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Unknown userMember06 Jan 2017, 9:04 am AEDT

Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Yeah @Faith-and-Hope

In response to: Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 Jan 2017, 9:08 am AEDT

Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Hi .... 🤗💕

I'm gonna type something into my notes page first, cos it's sorta conceptual in my head and feelings at the moment .... think you know what I mean by that .... and I need to get it into words to be able to convey it to you and chat about it with you from there ....

Stay tuned ....

💜🐠

In response to: Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 Jan 2017, 9:50 am AEDT

Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

@Former-Member .... 🌷💜

Okay .... first some practical tips .....

S2(?)g has specifically requested that a psych or other professional to contact her .... I think when she is holed up in her room and requesting that again, see whether you can call in a locum doctor .... seeing a gp is the first step in pursuing treatment for emotional / psychological issues I believe, and that might get the ball rolling in terms of a diagnosis and treatment .... 🏵

Next .... although you are still actively parenting S4, effectively yours is an adult household who are, in fact, house-sharing .... that means that your role has shifted somewhat from being the parent, to being the CEO of your "body corporate" .... in other words, the household needs to be operating a bit like a block of flats with communal laundry and kitchen facilities .... don't wanna upset you if I draw the analogy of a backpackers hostel .... but I think you get the idea ....

I went to boarding school from 12yo, then to a uni dorm-share from 17. It's useful to keep a roll of thin masking tape and a black marker pen available for labelling everyone's stuff - the owner does their own - if you have different choices in, say, milk or cereal - and I am assuming their is something of a pitching in for the purchase of food and household supplies ?

While my kids are in the same sort of zone, we manage the finances for most things, and the kids just buy in their own specifics, particularly once they're in the workforce. If I were a single mum, it would be the same as what I am suggesting to you.

Think of your house as being like a business premises, if that helps ....

With everyone operating as adults, albeit some are baby ones, it means that they also get to have some sort of say about how things function - eg laundry, meals, household maintenance, lawns, etc I hope there is a sense of everyone pitching in at some level or another.

This teams-man-ship, no matter how wonky or basic it may be at the moment, is actually a vehicle for healing your family unit .... being you and the kids .... as with babies leaning to walk, or planting a seedling and watching it grow, this foundational functionality will morph with time and attention into a glue, and a relationship.

This might seem a bit incongruous if your basic communications have ground to a halt, but there is a method in this .... you can get on with everyday practicality without having to communicate a whole lot .... and by modelling it .... the ordering of the environment becomes scaffolding for the relationships. That was one reason I suggested that you clean or at least straighten something the other day.

Part two will be about identifying and establishing some relationship boundaries ....
💜🌷💕

In response to: Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 Jan 2017, 10:04 am AEDT

Re: Need help with a complex situation with depression

Have just realised - iPad to face moment - that part two will have to be in (my) morning cos I'm starting to drift off to sleep here ....

It will also take a bit of sorting out in written words .... hope I didn't do too badly with that last post ....

Stay safe @Former-Member .... we wil get all this sorted out, and everyone wil be better off for it .... jigsaw puzzles .... our relationships are jigsaw puzzles ....

Hugs n hugs ....

💜🤗🌷💕💜🤗🌷💕

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