Out of control and so upset with myself.

Hey @Little_Leopard ,

That sounds so tough right now. It sounds like emotions have such a loud voice right now, and perhaps you have done some things you now regret.

I hearing a lot of anger and frustration directed at yourself.

Is it possible to practice some self-compassion at this time?

Hey @tyme @thank you for hearing me.

Well yes I regret that I have not been able to be more self aware. Now all my neighbours will think I’m unstable. I can’t have that because I have a child and don’t need them thinking that about me. I keep my shit together while he is at home and he is so spoiled (in a good way) and is totally happy and healthy. Thats why in the day I have my appointments while he is at school because I won’t let him see me break down crying. I just have so much trauma and the anguish just seems like a never ending gush.

I also called a helpline for support for counselling and ended up breaking down in tears for something completely unrelated to the services they offered. They just gave me numbers to other services. Then I just felt so ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I feel like every one is judging me and I should just keep it all stuffed in so I dont look unstable.
I got asked about what supports I had and when they found out I had a son and that my partner also had MH issues they were just like “oh”. That made me feel more crap and worthless. I’m actually scared that I reached out at all. I wish I didn’t because now I’m scared and ashamed. I tried to get help but feel

like now I’m in trouble or something.

I know it’s a trauma response, but in my life reaching out and asking for help has always ended very badly, especially when people say things like “oh” as a response. To me that’s cause for alarm

I don’t even know how to practice self compassion. Do you have any tips for beginners? Is that what I need right now you think?
I really just can’t stop crying. I just feel so helpless and ashamed that I am not stronger.
I very much appreciate your response. So grateful for these forums m.

In terms of self-compassion, I used to be so cruel to myself. I hated myself. Yet I always melted when I was with children @Little_Leopard . One thing my psychologist told me to do was say all those hurtful things to my child self to see if I could do it. If not, then it's not self-compassion.

For example, would you ever tell someone to their face that they were "useless, good for nothing, an embarrassment" etc? Probably not (unless they are your siblings lol). Hence, reconsider what you say to yourself, and how you say it to yourself.

If even, your protective factor might be your own child. Would you ever say those nasty things to your child?

That's the beginning for self-compassion.

I'm heading off now, but we can chat tomorrow.

Thank you @tyme I’ll think over this tonight. Will give me something new to explore.

have a good night.

Hi @Little_Leopard

@tyme has mentioned good techniques.

I often say, imagine someone else in your position. What would you advise them?

I am not sure why you are so hard on yourself.

Maybe set one small goal.

Instead of clean the house, maybe do the dishes. Next day clean the bathroom.

Set small achievable goals.

I hope you have someone to support. Your partner sounds like they have issues but can you support each other.

I hope you maybe allocate one small task to do tomorrow.

Good night

Dear @Little_Leopard , I can so relate to you, and I really feel for you 😞

I asked my psychologist recently why I can't regulate my emotions. She said to me, "allow yourself to feel the emotions." The emotions are bubbling up because of trauma - they decide when they're going to come up, not me. They're painful and inconvenient and embarrassing. But I need to allow them to happen, to get them out that way. Otherwise they just go on causing trouble in my life.

(Am not advising you, just telling you what she said about me)

I know for me, I need to get the emotions out in a safe way, so I don't take them out on people. So I need to remember to write a long angry letter and not send it, or punch my pillow, things like that. What I actually want to do is dissociate - not feel them! Which doesn't help.

I think you are indeed "getting your shit together" by contacting counsellor services - well done. When is your psychologist back?

'

Hey @Former-Member I am hard on myself because I have parts of myself that think I should “do better”, “get my shit together” and “cut it out”. I wish I could. But am only able to do it for short periods before switching and reverting to other self states. so not only am I shamed by my own inability, I have other parts of myself who are telling me to do better. I have to let these parts come out otherwise my other parts will allow my to spiral down into an abyss. I know that they are trying to help me and in many ways they actually do help me “get into line” when I must.

I agree @Former-Member that @tyme made some excellent suggestions. Thank you @tyme. I went to bed that night and discussed with myself this concept of self compassion. It’s definitely something I need to work on.

compassion, love and affection are incredibly painful things for me to feel and experience so I tend to shut down with this stuff as it’s to overwhelming and unbearable.

To answer your question @Former-Member if it was someone else I would tell them to let the self hatred and judgement go as it’s only another barrier/self sabotage which will stop you them from living their best life. However I have other self states that do not believe that this approach is always the best and sometimes a good “kick up the arse” is the only way to make me “do better” because I have responsibilities that must be tended to for my own benefit as well as the benefit of my own family. All of my parts have different beliefs and approaches and all are valid and serve some purpose.

Thanks for that reminder about small goals which are more digestible. I think my goal today will be to get ingredients for dinner and so I can make dinner for my family. That sounds like a mountain right now. I dont want to go out, I dont want to cook, I don’t want to clean, I’m so tired. But I must do it and I will. It’s just hard because nothing feels right at the moment, nothing feels good and everything is draining and makes me miserable.

Yes, my husband is super supportive and is a wonderful person, even with his disability. That’s why their little comment (“oh”) hurt so much. It felt like misogyny to me. Misogyny works both ways, it’s not only about women, misogyny is the hatred/fear of care and it hurts men just as much as it hurts women. Women can be misogynistic too. The common expectation in society that men should “man up” and “get over it” is terrible. It’s unfair and it felt like an attack on my husband which also felt like an attack on me.

Thanks for listening to my rant. So nice to have a place where I can air my thoughts and not fear retribution, opposition or be made to feel stupid.

oh and this is the post I said I would tag you in @NatureLover. I got the feeling that it might fee relatable to you.

Hi @NatureLover. Yes you hit the nail on the head and the strait though! Sounds like you know exactly what I am going through and talking about. If you feel safe to answer do you mind me asking if you are also on the “dissociative spectrum”. I am asking because you mentioned dissociating but that can be a symptom of many psychosocial conditions which are often co morbid with trauma. However I am getting the impression that you might be like me and your condition, like mine is also directly trauma related, if you catch my drift. I get that feeling because you seem to understand my “language” and experiences in a way that is very familiar.

I will tag you in my previous post to @Former-Member and @tyme as well.

your absolutely right about not choosing when your emotions come up. I tried to watch my son at a school event this morning and had to leave because a whole bunch of big different emotions were bubbling up like a pot of boiling water. Then I was mad as bloody hell that I could not stay and enjoy an event should have been a positive experience.

Thanks for the ideas on getting the emotions out. I don’t like feeing traumatic emotions but I agree that forcing them

down is the worst option to pick.

I think my psychologist is only off for a few weeks. I tried to contact other service’s to fill the gap while she is gone but the wait lists and skill shortage in my area of need is very problematic and under resourced. I thinks that’s probably true for most people with complex mental health though.

thanks again @NatureLover for validating my emotions and not making me feel shame about it. It’s means a lot.

Oh gosh, @Little_Leopard I wouldn't make you feel shame about your emotions, and I'm sorry that obviously people must've done that to you in the past 😞

"compassion, love and affection are incredibly painful things for me to feel and experience so I tend to shut down with this stuff as it’s to overwhelming and unbearable"

I am just so sad to read this in your other post 💔 You must have a massive amount of trauma in your life 😞

To answer your question, no I don't have DID or parts; I have depression, anxiety, OCD, hoarding disorder, excoriation disorder and agoraphobia. I learned to dissociate due to childhood abuse and childhood trauma when I was young. It's a place free of pain, for me. I haven't done it for many years now, but recently when emotional pain reared its head again I badly wanted to. I actually think dissociation provides a "safe place" for me to escape to and has prevented me from some suicide attempts in the past, but since joining the forums here I've learnt that dissociation is not always a safe place for people and that it can be a big, scary, damaging place where bad things can happen without your knowledge. 😞

If you want to connect with people with DID, you can type "DID" into the Search bar above, or also "alters" or "dissociation".

I'm sorry your emotions this morning caused you to have to leave your son's event 🫂

Sending you lots of good wishes for healing and support 💛

Hi @Little_Leopard

So much happening.

I am glad @NatureLover connected with you. Both of your posts have been informative.

Glad @tyme words also resonated.

Only addressing a little of this post.

I think if shopping for dinner is your task, the task is sensible and hopefully achievable. A caring task. The family benefit.

If you make it, good. If not, life will go on.

But it appears to be a realistic task.

Maybe you do not have to Love yourself. Maybe accept the different parts. The work on the better message teaching the not as good message.

Example. One part may so go shopping it is good for all. Other part says it is too cold or too far. Hopefully the better part says to the other, i will go shopping and l will not be cold because l have a jacket!

Another point but not sure if l have this right or not. Do not aim to be Perfect. Perfection is never achievable. We live in a not perfect world. If you think you reach it, you are in trouble. Because we all have flaws. Aim to be the best we can and grow on that.

I wonder why so many people are so hard on themselves. Others pick on us. Why should we? So next time your good side gives you good advice, tell the bad part to give you a rest. Life is hard enough as it is.