What support??

Hi, I am new here. I have been reading some posts and momentarily it does make you feel less alone in feelings that arise but then the doubt sets in again.

I am reading a lot about support and just cant seem to find the right place or where really to go in times of need.

I called a help line ( I wont mention the name of it incase it is somewhat affiliated ) but they no longer try to talk you down from thoughts of unaliving yourself. They now say, make sure you have everything in order and if you feel that is the right thing to do, then it is up to you. I don't agree with that. I need someone to tell me the positives, to show me that many others who have suffered have found that light of hope again, and even some successfully help others who may go through the same.

I have been diagnosed and misdiagnosed and I not sure what it is that is wrong with me, I have been told I suffer depression, anxiety, and ARFID (which is incredibly difficult to get assistance with as an adult). Some days I feel like I don't have depression I am just depressed over situations, trauma, abuse etc, then other days I feel perhaps I do have some kind of clinical depression, for which I am currently refusing any medication. Stupidly or smartly I don't know, I feel sometimes that my mind created it, my mind can fix it. Then I think just take the damn pill! Confusion is my constant companion.

I have slept 5 hours in the last 4 days, it is cold, it is "that time of month" and boy oh boy don't the emotions run high during these times, even with the most mentally sound person. To have those emotions when you are already feeling somewhat unsteady in life is very confronting.

I am very lonely. I am very unsure of myself, what I do, what is next, what is to come, what I NEED to be doing to help myself.

What is the right support for me? I don't leave the house so I cant attend groups or any kind of face to face therapies. I spoke to one Psychiatrist who basically said, I would be wasting my money continuing to talk to her as everything she would suggest, I am already doing.

So now I am here. Hoping to gain some better insight, to feel less alone maybe, to see what options are there. I know I need to get better, I know I want to, I just don't know where to start.

Thank you for reading my long ramblings, I just wanted to get it out there, I don't know, somehow releasing it may make me feel better... I guess we will see.