Is it Anxiety or OCD *trigger warning ED*

Hi everyone, I wanted to reach out for support as I suspect that I may have OCD. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for most of my life and I wonder if my anxiety could actually be OCD. I’m hoping that if I can get the right diagnosis, that I manage my symptoms better and recover.

Interestingly, both my ex and current partner have OCD and we could relate with some symptoms. My current partner is convinced that I have OCD. I also have a history of an eating disorder (this is not current but I’m aware there’s a lot of cross over with EDs and OCD). I will post below my current and historic symptoms. These symptoms can fluctuate a lot depending on other stressors in my life.

I am aware that I will need to speak to a professional to receive an official diagnosis, but I wonder if anyone can relate to these symptoms and provide any guidance?

current symptoms

• I seek reassurance a lot- I constantly get people to check over what I’m sending and doing (both at work and in my personal life). I chronically doubt my abilities, and need validation and reassurance from others that what I’m doing is okay because I cannot trust myself to make the right decision. Once a decision is made, I will ruminate, feel like an imposter and chronically worry that I will be fired from my job because I feel like a fraud.
• i then ruminate on my actions and choices, going over what I think I should’ve done or said. I obsessively go over things I say to my psychologist, friends, family, clients, colleagues and feel guilt shame and regret. I worry that they are judging and think I’m fake, selfish or stupid.
• I can’t trust my own judgement I need to seek someone else’s opinion or I can’t make decisions. Without input from others, I feel hopeless lost and paralysed ie, what job should I apply for, what do I say in an interview, what should I reply to this email.
• Obsessively thinking about things I’ve done, should have I said that, was that weird, do they hate me. What if I just said was offensive but I don’t know it was. Then feel guilty and think about it over and over again.
• I experience intrusive thoughts regarding harm - harming myself or others (stabbing someone, jumping off a ledge )
• When standing close to a ledge I get the Impulse to jump off, so I have to stand back because I can’t trust myself. If I’m near certain kitchen utensils sometimes I get intrusive thoughts to stab someone, which feels really distressing. When driving sometimes I get the impulse to swerve into other cars or the sidewalk.
• Being alone with children makes me uncomfortable. I feel extremely anxious that people will think I have bad intentions and I’m a predator - felt this way since I was quite young- 15. If I find myself alone with a child, I feel constantly anxious. I will try to leave the door open or find a way to get out of the situation
• Even seeing images of children will sometimes trigger intrusive thoughts of child being abuse. That make me feel disgusted anxious and uncomfortable. I get an automatic response to wince and squeeze my eyes shut which can make the thought go away
• Compulsively bite nails- one particular nail that I am unable to grow out at all- things don’t feel right until I’ve done it. A form of self soothing.
• Compulsively pick my skin around my nails - is it a compulsion or a habit ? Obsessively have to do it to soothe myself
• Obsessively crack my bones- can’t not. Even though I think it’s kind of gross to do in public I won’t be able to not if I get the urge to do it
• Intrusive thoughts when I’m in the car that I’m going to have an impulse to tug on the steering wheel and crash into a fence - sometimes this is way worse than other times
• I find that I wince and squeeze my eyes shut and move my head in response to intrusive thoughts. not sure why I do this but this will be in response to anxiety provoking obsessive thoughts - if I’m ruminating on a mistake or something I feel guilty about or having harm related intrusive thoughts
• I get Intrusive thoughts about being sexually assaulted, can almost feel a physical sensation of it happening, scrunch up my face to make it go away
• Thoughts of being uncertain if what’s around me is real. what if I have been in an accident and I’m actually dead right now? Derealisation ?? - will have to tell myself to push the thoughts out and get on with my day
• Am I actually an abusive person and I don’t realise it? What if I think I’m a good person but what if I actually have bad motives and am actually trying to make everyone around me think I’m good but I’m actually bad and abusive - spiral and feel guilty and uncertain about my identity, my intentions etc (I don’t have a solid sense of self)
• I feel overwhelmed if the house isn’t tidy and clean, makes me feel jumbled and messy. When there’s no order I feel lost and distressed.
• Check emails after they’ve been sent and read over them to make sure they’re okay
• Excessive fear that my parents or partner will get into a car crash and die - get really debilitating anxiety about this

Historic symptoms

• Used to be a lot worse when I was a child- thought I would have to do certain things or I thought someone would die. I know that ocd changes, gets better or worse - perhaps my symptoms presented different in childhood? My parents emotionally neglected me and put me in unsafe situations due to their alcohol use- perhaps I developed these symptoms to deal with that and protect myself
• When I was young I would have to tap/ squeeze my muscles in between electricity posts while driving (as a passenger) or something bad will happen (someone would die)
• When I would hear sirens I would be convinced that mum has been in an accident- almost certain she is dead- led to debilitating anxiety
• ———
• I was convinced that i had a disease (or my pet dog) and I’m too ashamed to tell anyone but I am slowly dying - cancer, HIV, degenerative illness like MS . I would notice something on my body (or dog) like a rash, or a lump. Debilitating stress and anxiety, and would ruminate on it for hours and days and weeks
• When driving I would sometimes feel a bump and get intrusive thoughts that I must have hit and killed a dog, cat or child. I logically knew this was unlikely but the intrusive thought would still cause me a lot of stress and panic
• Worried my partner has died in her sleep. Will have to watch her and check breathing to make sure she’s alive. Worried that her medication has interacted with something. What if she was accidentally prescribed the wrong thing and it killed her
• counting items or objects such as paving stones on a walk having to perform an action every time I count somethjng
• history of bulimia and restrictive diet