AnnaliseMCasual Contributor
'How did you become like this? you were so good before.'
This is one of the comments from my parents that trigger me the most.
For the last 20 years of my life, I did my best to conceal who I really am and at times was so good at it that I could say that I made it after I faked it. Sure, there are benefits of conforming to societal expectations, it makes life easier, and people appreciate you more for being helpful and accomplished. The bad side is people will leave you and find it awkward to be with you after you finally got an answer to the sleepless nights, sudden panic attacks and unexplained waves of sadness.
My parents were utterly confused as to why I became like this. They thought I contracted something unclean from my previous travels and they missed my old self when I deviate or don't do the errands. My first acute episode was more than 5 years ago now and they still are reminiscing about that obedient girl who suppressed herself and became sick so her parents can be happy. My mum will go on about how I was my dad's favourite and he had such grand expectations for me. Then she will sigh and say 'Then he saw what happened and he regretted sending you on the trips overseas. maybe that's when everything started to go wrong. whatever came upon you brought bad luck to our family.' I swear every time she said that it makes me so sad and angry. I felt rejected and wants to run away despite that I feel obligated to care for my brother who became very sick this year. It is especially hard that I am staying with them now due to financial constrains and family obligations. it does make me depressed and I have to remind myself those are their values, not mine. I hope it gets better as time goes by but realistically not.
