Having a voice isn't about being the loudest. It's not a competition. It's not about silencing others or even knowing the best thing to say. It's not attacking or defending. It's about something new. Having a voice my own voice. This is new for me. This is about me. This is me learning and I'm going to get it bloody wrong sometimes.
At the moment I either have no filter or am all filter.
At the moment I still really struggle to find my voice and it gets lost in other people's crap.
Calling out crap is not attacking or defending. Other people can say what they like about me and to me I cannot change that. I deliberately choose to not attack or defend but instead seek to grow and understand. But I do need to question, struggle, challenge myself and others. This is not an attack this is not defense. I know neither of those will work.
If what others think is going to be what they think anyway. Why not stand up and say that is not my truth. That is not my reality.
I am flawed I am imperfect I am often confused by this world. I have immense anxiety. I experience irrationally disproportionate toxic shame, that's it.
I wish I could just challenge those people do you want to feed it do you want to help me heal it, or do you want to just mind your own business and let me mind mine.
People will find Ammunition where and when they want to. That is their problem not mine.
Saying stop giving them Ammunition is the same as saying stop breathing. Because that is what it will take for some people to stop looking for it.
That being said one day I will find my filter but not today.
