tori_Contributor
Even when everything tells you NOT to reach out and be vulnerable, fight against it
I have exams starting tomorrow and I am going to fail all of them. That is a fact.
My mental health took a downfall at the beginning of the semester and it did not stop it's descent. I thought I could handle and manage it on my own, like I have in the past, but this was out of my league. After a moment of clarity, I looked back and realized that I fell into a depression so severe, I hadn't noticed the last time I had washed my hair, which was so tangled, I could barely tie it in any way (it's very curly so you can imagine the size and damage of the knot that formed). I hadn't been eating, sleeping, I had completely isolated myself from friends and classmates and was a literal zombie. That was what pushed me to reach out and find help with the therapists at the university. It helped in some way, but not with my academic struggles, which were only getting worse.
While my issues with sleeping and eating were mitigated with medication, I was still not able to function when it came to my studies. I couldn't focus, had no motivation or drive and any attempts to study was met with an overwhelming amount of anxiety about everything I had to do and learn and how I wasn't doing that and how behind I was. It was such a tremendous feeling comparable to a tsunami that just kept growing and growing, that I did everything I could to avoid facing it. But everything that goes up, must come down and my tsunami has reached its peak with the finals nearing. The feeling was so extreme, that I resorted to something I never thought I would be able to do, and it worried even me.
So I emailed my professor and explained my situation and apologized because my performance is expected to be horrible and it was not due to her lack of teaching, nor my lack of trying or interest. It was one of the things that was causing me the most anxiety. Failing wasn't the worst part, but being seen as a failure or lazy or anything negative or lacking was causing feelings of shame and embarrassment to come through and exacerbate my current situation.
She was so considerate and caring and wished I had reached out sooner, so that more could be done to prevent me reaching this point. I never reached out because I kept isolating myself with the belief that no one could help me/should help me. That this was no one's responsibility but my own, and I had to struggle and fix it on my own. That is not true. Please reach out and get the help that you need. In retrospect, there are many aspects to my situation that could've either been avoided or mitigated to a point that could've prevented me falling into a depression this deep. I personally still need help and I am still not okay. I hope I will be, someday.
