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struggling and lost

blackrose1Casual Contributor02 June 2023, 11:26 am AEST

struggling and lost

Im a 34 yr old female with no children, married for 5 years. He has an adult son from a previous marriage. Our relationship has been very up and down, volatile and toxic majority of the time. But also has its good parts. We just don't seem to know how to communicate properly together. And have some issues from the past that haven't fully disappeared. I'm very stubborn and believe i have an underlying diagnosis that may contribute to my behaviour some days. We tried to get pregnant a couple of years ago but i was also diagnosed with a medical condition that i had to tend to first. As this was a very stressful time i decided i didn't want to continue trying to get pregnant. Fast forward to now and i feel the pressure from society to have a child before I'm "too old" this makes me feel horrible almost every single day. But i just don't feel we are in a good enough space to bring a child into the world. To make things worse my best friend who is 29 has just told me she is pregnant. I am very happy for her but also struggling to deal with it. I don't want to talk to her about it and i feel horrible for it. But i guess I'm just hurt that it's not me. And another blow is that my step son is also having a child with his partner (early 20's). All this makes me want to get pregnant now but then something will happen with my partner like we'll have a fight/misunderstanding and I'm like nope i just cant. But then that pressure to have a child hits me as well. And everyone is always asking when I'm having a kid.

I'm lost and confused. I'm contemplating a counselling or psychologist. But I get very anxious with those types of things. I have seen one, once or twice and liked it but just cant bring myself to go back. It's almost like burying my head in the sand is way easier than dealing with all the ongoing issues deep down ( i think i have some underlying trauma)

Also does anyone recommend couples counselling to help get on track with my partner. can it be done?

thanks

2 replies

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In response to: struggling and lost

Unknown userMember02 June 2023, 1:26 pm AEST

Re: struggling and lost

I never experienced pressure to have children. I am now 54 and don't regret not having kids. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. I did not have the economic foundations to have a child and my ex wasn't a good provider. My brother is now struggling to raise his children with no financial base. I got out of my partnership and now fast forward I can see in retrospect what my lifestyle would have meant for a child. It just wouldn't have worked out. Having a child would have made matters worse. You could always discuss this with a psychologist about your desire to have a child. I discussed it and was told not to @blackrose1

In response to: struggling and lost

CrazyChickSenior Contributor02 June 2023, 1:56 pm AEST

Re: struggling and lost

@blackrose1

It seems that you are really struggling to work out if you want to try for pregnancy at the moment. Most importantly this is a decision you need to make on what is best for you. The unfortunate reality is that getting pregnant can get harder as you age, which is a factor to consider but doesn't mean that you have to try now. You don't have to have a baby now or at all.

It might help to write down the advantages/disadvantages of trying to get pregnant now - versus leaving it to later. In reality you don't know what is going to happen in your life - medically, personally or economically - so can be hard to make decisions based on what might happen. Ideally you can discuss your thoughts with your partner and come up with a decision together, but if your thoughts differ a lot from his it might help to write your own thoughts on the decision down seperately so you know where you stand. A counsellor or psychologist could probably help you work through this process. Some ideas to get you started:

Possible advantages of trying now:

May have better chances of achieving a pregnancy now than when older
May be good to have a child similiar age to best friend's child
May be easier to cope with raising a child while younger

Disadvantages of trying now:

Cost of raising a child
Added strain on relationship of having a child
Stress of trying to conceive

Possible advantages of leaving it till later:

Circumstances may improve - financial, emotional or relationship
May choose you don't want to have a child
May be able to save money to better afford having a child

Disadvantages of leaving till later:

Circumstances may make it more difficult later - medical changes, relationship difficulties, etc
Cost of medical expenses may be even higher
Higher chance of some disabilities affecting child

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