Peer Group Chat // The Misconception of Connection // Thursday 25th May 2023, 7-8:30PM AEST

Big questions, @TideisTurning !

I think that shared interests is a more superficial way of gauging connection then most people care to acknowledge.

Far more important, I believe, is shared values and aspirations, with particular regard to the level of priority each party holds those values and aspirations in. For example, most people believe both of the following:
* One has a right to defend one's property.
* It is wrong to kiII another human.

But you can see the stark rift that has formed across America amongst the two groups who place these priorities in differant order to one another; the group who believes it is fine to shoot and kiII a burglar who breaks into their own home, vs. those who believe it is better to allow the burglar to slink off with whatever inconsequential baubles they can carry, just so long as nobody gets hurt.

Real connection goes much deeper then what we nominally believe is right and wrong, but what are "the hills we are prepared to die on."

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@TideisTurning wrote:

What might these kinds of meaningful real life connections you're referring to look like do you think?

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Think about a long-running TV show, or film franchise.
I think of Riggs & Murtaugh.
I think of Harry, Ron & Hermione
I think of Timon & Pumba
I think of Frodo & Sam; of Aragorn, Gimli & Legolas
I think of the family/crew of the Enterprise on Star Trek: TNG.

That unspoken truth that this band are together forever, through thick and thin, whatever life throws at them. They share a journey, an ambition, and a common honor code, which breeds an inherent trust. Their bond isn't trivial or transient, but is at the core of their life story. When you are with the people you genuinely connect with, you are home.

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@TideisTurning wrote:

What might support to cultivate those kinds of meaningful connections look like for you?

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For me, personally, it entails the freedom to express who I truly am, what I truly believe, and what sort of world I truly want to live in. So that those factors can be used to identify the people I will belong with.

For example, I am suicidal. So I need a place I can go where I can freely say: "I'd rather be dead then live a life like this: [parameters of an inadequate life]", and instead of being judged or lectured to, have the therapist then sort through their patient records to find someone who is similarly suicidal, so that he/she can set the two of us up together. Considdering the fact that most suicidal people end up in front of a therapist at some point, it's a no-brainer that the mental health system is in the perfect position to match us up with one another and bring us together.

This is important as many of our values and/or aspirations are generally unpalatable to the general public. If I went to a family gathering and just blurted out: "I wish I was dead. If any of you live near or work with a suicidal girl looking for a serious lifelong relationship, I'd really appreciate you setting the two of us up together.", I'd be given more cold shoulder and spiteful backlash then I'd know what to do with. Because (for reasons I can't comprehend), they all seem to believe that suicide is profoundly wrong, and that everybody should be obsessed with self-preservation. And even if they did, by some miracle, happen to know a good suicidal girl, they'd probably not even realize it, since she too would be obliged to go around pretending that she wasn't suicidal, in order to avoid public scorn.

That's only a very light run-down on how the support needs to go. There's a lot more nuance to it, but hopefully, you get the general idea.

Wow, @chibam . It's clear to me how much you've thought about this. I feel like I get where you're coming from, and you've explained it all really well. Thank you so much for sharing! 😊

Establishing connection from a place of shared values feels like a really important basis from which important conduits to connection like genuineness, trust and safety can be built. I love that you've touched on that sense of freedom and connections or relationships that feel like ‘home’ as well- being able to be who you are, without too much, if any, need to censor. The understanding and inherent knowing that can come from shared experiences is also super powerful. But these kinds of connections can be hard to find, but definitely impossible to forget.

As I read through your answers and descriptions, it sounds like something of a dream to have that kind of connection you describe. I feel like it might be something I've been privileged enough to experience myself and I will hold hope for you and anyone else who may need it, that it's something you'll also get to experience or experience again, especially if you haven't already 💖

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@TideisTurning wrote:

As I read through your answers and descriptions, it sounds like something of a dream to have that kind of connection you describe. I feel like it might be something I've been privileged enough to experience myself and I will hold hope for you and anyone else who may need it, that it's something you'll also get to experience or experience again, especially if you haven't already 💖

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Thanks, @TideisTurning .🙂 It's nice to hear positive wishes in this regard. Not everybody is so kind; many tend to urge lonely people like me to give up all hope of a meaningful relationship. But when others want it for us as well... well, that can only be a step in the right direction. 🙂