BPD husband

Hey @Melissa3,

So sorry to hear you feel overwhelmed and lost by the situation. When it comes to difficult situation like this, it's important to take care of yourself, perhaps focus on what you want and how you can get there.

Do you have any support around you such as friends, family? We are here if you need somewhere to have a chat. You are welcome to give us a call after 10 am to talk to someone, or chat online.

@Melissa3 @GardensHeart

I went through something similar with an older sibling personality disordered (PD) + schizophrenia. Like your husband they would have episodes when things did not go their way. It wasn't the schizophrenia that caused the episodes it was the PD (mix of psychopathy and narcissism). They call people with PD "energy vampires" meaning they suck the life out of you. It is incredibly exhausting being around them. My therapist in 2008 said to me, "yeah that's the thing with PD individuals is that you bend over backwards to appease them, bend over backwards, bend over backwards.. then you break your back, throw your hands in the air and walk away from the relationship".

What that means is you reach these psychological tipping points, the relationship no longer becomes sustainable and it seems you are at that point. My sibling abused me for 20 years, and in every abusive relationship the victim always has an escape plan. Mine was to go to uni, get a job and move out of the house. But by that time I was 20 and burned out (PTSD). I couldnt keep the job. Resigned, took 3 months off and got another job after that. Stayed away from the PD for 30 odd years now. Never going back.

People with PDs live parasitical lifestyles, as you mentioned you worked FT so you must have done the heavy lifting in the relationship, which is exhausting. As I have limited info on your situation, not sure if your husband has a history of coercive control etc. But the fact he reacts with violence like that is a big red flag.

Also, it is very tempting to blame his episodes on the drinking rather than his personality issues. For a long time we blamed mental illness for my sibling's behavior, which is wrong. Schizophrenics are peaceful people. It was the PD that was the issue. Take away your husbands drinking issue and he probably still would behave like that.

I think you are at the stage of setting boundaries and people with PD do not respect boundaries. This is beyond my expertise so I think you need to get a professional therapist who will help you leave him if that is what you want to do.

Sending blessings your way.

hi how are im sorry for you going through these times,how old is your hubby and when was diagnosed

Hi @Melissa3

I just wanted to reach out to welcome you to the forums - it’s great to have you here 💜

I’m so sorry to hear about everything that’s been happening for you and it sounds as though you’ve been carrying an incredibly heavy load for such a long time. As such, it’s absolutely no wonder that you’re feeling so depleted, sad, lost and overwhelmed.

The way that your husband responded to you when you asked for a trial separation sounds really frightening and intimidating. As such I just ever so gently wondered if this is something that you were able to do (and if it wasn’t possible) do you feel safe at home?

I can really hear how deeply you’ve been impacted by everything that’s been happening for you and as such, I just wanted to share a couple of resources with you just in case you felt that you needed some additional support 💜

The first resource that I thought may be helpful for you is an organisation called the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder.

In addition to providing a wealth of information about BPD (including webinars) they also provide a program called Family Connections which is available across Australia.

Basically, Family Connections is a free, 12 week course that meets weekly for two hours to provide education, skills training, and support for people who are in a relationship with someone who has BPD. Focusing on issues that are specific to BPD, it is hosted in a community setting and led by trained group leaders who are either clinicians or family members of relatives with BPD.

As such, I’ve just shared the link to this particular program below, just in case you would like to explore this further.

https://www.bpdaustralia.org/about-family-connections/

I also wondered if SANE’s ‘drop in services’ may be helpful for you too 😊

Basically, ‘SANE drop-in services are staffed by qualified team of counsellors and people with lived experience of mental health issues who will provide you with free digital and telehealth support, information and referrals.’

I’ve included the link to this particular service below, just in case you would like to take a look 😊

https://www.sane.org/get-support/drop-in-service

The last service that I thought maybe helpful for you is SANE’s ‘guided service.’

Essentially, ‘SANE’s free guided service combines our range of digital and telehealth supports, tailored to the needs of people affected by complex mental health issues.’

I’ve included the link to this particular service below, just in case this is something that’s of interest to you 😊

https://www.sane.org/referral

Also, just while I remember, one of the things that really helped me when I was new to the forums and still finding my way around, was that if you would like to chat with another forum member, or reply to one of their posts, place @ in front of their username just like I did at the start of my post to you i.e. @Melissa3 that way, they will receive a message that you have contacted them.

I hope that this helps you a little bit and please know that I’m here if ever you want to reach back to me 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜