Grief

TW: Loss of loved ones

I’m broken. I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again.
My beautiful Mum had me (to her surprise) at 38. She didn’t think she could have kids as her and my Dad had been trying for 8 years with no prevail.
And so when I arrived, I became her entire world. Dad was 48 and had already 3 grown up children in their 20’s. But they both became engulfed in being parents and adored me. I am pretty lucky on the childhood trauma side of things. I had a really good one. My parents brought a house in the country when I was 4 so that I could grow up in the fresh air and really be a kid. They spoiled me rotten even though we were always bordering poverty. I never went without. The only thing really was obviously my Dad was quite an old dad and aged faster than others, and due to his wild life of being in a stunt team and also a builder, he was riddled with arthritis and became a grumpy old man very quickly, so his tolerance level wasn’t high, but he was still a great dad. My mum though, she was my world. My best friend ever. Words cannot express how much I loved her and how much she loved me. We were the apple of each others eye and it stayed that way throughout my entire life. I turned her grey in my teenage years and she still loved me unconditionally, and that says a lot.
Anyway, I’m 25 now, I’ll be 26 in just over a week. And today, today is my first Mother’s Day without my twin flame. I’m so broken.
In June of 2021 after a cough that she could not get rid of, she finally took herself to the hospital and we found out she had stage 4 bowel cancer. It had already metastasised to her liver, and it had riddled it.
I will remember that day for the rest of my life. The doctors words still echo in my mind.
She got sicker on chemo and lost so much weight, she had to have an illeostomy which made her even weaker and then they stopped all treatment.
In July of 2022, my beautiful bestfriend grew her wings, and my heart absolutely broke.
But wait, there’s more.
My Dad, now 73 was absolutely distraught. He was filled with sadness and guilt for the way his weathered body had led to a bad temper that he would take out on both Mum and I.
I slept in his bed with him every night after she passed, I would carry his 92kg limp body to bed after he’d drunk himself into a slump and then cuddle up to him at night just wishing it was my mum but appreciating that I still had my dad.
Until one morning, just 12 days after my Mum, my Dad’s heart gave out on him. I wailed as my bestfriend pushed me out of the room after we’d found him on the ground, and she worked on him until the paramedics arrived. He passed after 3 hours of them working on him. They said he was stubborn and didn’t want to leave me but also didn’t want to leave mum and they finally had to let him go.
So now I’m an orphan, an orphan whose only real trauma in life was losing grandparents as a child and getting bullied a bit.
I feel like I’ve been hit with a freight train. I’m barely surviving. I forget to feed myself, I have so much stuff I have to deal with because they both died without wills and my older half siblings have no care for anything other than money and I’m just devastated.
I’m also on the spectrum and have always struggled to make friends my entire life and I really don’t have many. And I don’t have one I feel comfortable enough with to really ask for actual genuine help because I just feel like I burdened everyone around me.
I have the man who introduced my mum and dad together, who has taken on the role of my step father and I could not be more grateful for him.

I’m just really struggling today and needed to write my feelings down, even if it’s just out into the void.